Taking the Ex Back: Yay or Nay?

The Ex-syndrome reminds us all that things don’t always turn out the way we hope, no matter how hard we try…Selah.

Finally, ghost mode is up and I’m out of the little hibernating mode I switched to; here comes the thought that ends up becoming the post you’re about to read…”when an ex returns, should we take them back”??? I smiled to myself when this thought came because if this were to be the subject of a debate, it would sure be an interesting one. Maybe we should have it as a debate here, or what do you think? Don’t mind me, I kinda love debates and hearing people’s views on matters like this so I can learn more, you know what I mean *wink*. No matter what anyone says, the truth is that you alone have to decide whether or not to take back an ex into your life again. I’m guessing you do know what an ex is; but just in case you don’t, an ex is someone you dated and, for whatever reason, broke up with.

Before you consider taking an ex back, you should consider three things:

•     Why did the ex leave in the first place or why did the relationship come to an end?

• ·        Why is the ex coming back?

• ·        Can I get over the past and start afresh with him?

Now let’s consider these questions one after the other?

Why Did the Ex Leave / Why Did the Relationship Come to an End?

The answer to this question is a veeeeerrrryyyyy important factor in choosing whether or not to take back an ex. Did the ex leave because…

• He didn’t like your physique or mannerisms?
• He didn’t like your dreams, goals, aspirations?
• You guys couldn’t understand each other or you were not compatible?
• You guys were young, immature and still trying to sow wild oats or “enjoy life”?

Did the relationship end because…

• One person moved to a different area and distance took its toll or you both lost contact?
• There was cheating and infidelity?
• He was verbally, emotionally or physically abusive?
• It was a relationship “just the fun of it” and someone got tired and moved on?
•  You wanted much more out of life, a “better guy”?
•  You guys changed sooo much with time that your compatibility ratio dropped?
• Your chosen paths in life clashed and it created discomfort because you no longer “fit” each other which eventually led to a break up?
• You got tired of being “sick and tired” and putting up with all his shenanigans?

Answer these questions as sincerely as possible to help you know the next line of action to take.

Why is the Ex Coming Back?

Remember he left in the first place? There must have been a reason for that, so now that he’s coming back again, what are his reasons?  Remember the relationship ended for a reason. Ask yourself these questions or better still, ask him these questions to find out why he’s back.

• Is he back because he’s been around and can’t find another girl like you?
• He’s realized that he was wrong to let you go?
• He’s a back because he’s now a changed man or a more mature man?

Listen carefully to whatever answers he gives to you. If he’s says he’s back because he realized he was wrong to let you go and can’t find another girl like you, be careful. As flattering as that sounds, that is not the main issue. You should be concerned about knowing if the other issues that led to the break up have been dealt with otherwise, you’ll just be that “mugu chick” (senseless chick), the only one on whom he can dump all his shenanigans and if that’s the case, get ready for the reloaded version of your first relationship.

Is he a changed man? Not just because he says he’s changed but because you can see a change in him. If he says he’s back because he’s now a changed or more mature man, watch out to see proof of this. Actions, they say, speak louder than words. What kind of man has he become? Remember a lot of water has passed under the bridge and both of you are not exactly the same people you were before.

Can I Get Over the Past and Start Afresh with Him?

Now this question is the most crucial part and you should only ask yourself this if you’ve answered the previous questions. Remember, you guys had a history together and despite the fact that you’ve forgiven him, you haven’t lost your memory. Most likely, you can still remember details of what happened in the past. The truth is: yesterday is different from today. If you intend you take him back, you must get help (counseling or otherwise) to dispose all the baggage from your first relationship and ensure you’re healed from the pain of the break up otherwise your new relationship with him will be doomed from the start. Failure to completely let go of the past will be like serving last year’s bread with this year’s tea and butter and hoping it turns out right; that’s a complete recipe for disaster. You should also ask yourself these questions:

• Are we now both mature enough for us to enjoy a better relationship?
•  Does he fit into my present life, who I am and where I am going?
• Can we accept each other’s lives, mannerisms and tendencies the way we are now?
• In case the old drama repeats itself, can I go through it all over again?

My advice: you should only take an ex back if he’s truly changed, not because he told you he’s changed or he’s making some camouflage changes just to get you again. If he’s truly become a more mature/better man now, you may consider taking him back. However, you must make sure you’ve dealt with the old baggage of whatever happened in your first relationship with him and put it all behind you. Otherwise, the ghosts of your first relationship with him will destroy this new relationship. Would I take an ex back? Hehehehe, that’s for me to decide. You decide what you would do. xoxo

What say you? Should we or should we not take back???

P:S- If you’ve got anything private you may wish to discuss, you could email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com I had a nice time at the Word WYN ladies conference, Gwagwalada, Abuja. Maybe I’ll get around to sharing some helpful excerpts here. Have an exciting weekend.