Frequent soul-searching shows you
things you wouldn’t have seen ordinarily.
In
the previous edition of this post: Is it me or is
it the guys I pick? (pt 1), we talked about five factors that may be
contributing to the vicious cycle of failed relationships/dating all the wrong
men still running its course in your life. Today, we take another set of
factors that may be responsible for you experiencing a series of dead beat
relationships. To read the previous edition of this post, click here.
Hosea
4:6 says “my people perish (or they’re destroyed) for lack of knowledge…” You
can’t do better than what you know and as long as you don’t know what you may
be doing wrong, you may continue suffering failed
relationships and keep blaming it on the guys you’ve dated when the fault
is yours. In the same way that it takes two to tango/tangle, it takes two people
to make a relationship work or go bad so you can’t keep blaming it on “they
weren’t the right men for me”. If you’ve been privileged not to be involved with
a lot of “frog princes”, you still need this knowledge as well, to prevent you
from falling into this vicious cycle. Be open-minded as you read, and do some
soul-searching to see which of these factors apply to you.
Your mindset about
relationships
Beautiful
things are a product of effort; even beautiful relationships. It takes a farmer’s
weeding, planting, watering, application of fertilizer and pesticides, plus the
process of time to have a harvest. Even a good meal requires preparation, heat
and time, combined with the right cooking technique, to become a reality. In
the same way, every relationship requires effort for it to work. Most times, we
erroneously believe that because we love each other, it’s gonna work out or
because you’ve found “the right man”, everything is gonna be perfect. Na! Instead
of looking for the right one, why not focus on being the right one? No one
wants to stay in an abusive, sadistic and toxic relationship where there’s too
much fighting, disrespect, unfaithfulness, nasty and destructive behaviour. Do
an autopsy on your past failed relationships again and this time, check to see
where you didn’t get it right so you can learn from them.
You don’t have a checklist/standards
Every
woman about to enter into a relationship has a desire of the kind of person she
wants per time. These desires ought to form your checklist for determining
whether or not to get into a relationship with someone. Your checklist should
contain your desires; things you consider deal breakers, your standards etc. A
good checklist will reduce your chances of getting involved with people that
aren’t suitable. However, if you don’t have a checklist or you have an
unsuitable checklist, you’ll end up dating too many “frog princes” and face the
pain and disappointment that follows. For instance, if all you’ve got on your
dating checklist are things like: tall,
dark and handsome with a six pack; hot dresser, rich and generous, a good
kisser/good in bed, caring etc without lasting criteria such as: not violent, not a flirt, truthful/honest, loves
children, focused, destiny-driven, submitted onto God etc, you’re setting
yourself for a series of heartache. Long story short: know what you want,
prayerfully make it into a checklist and USE YOUR CHECKLIST; don’t be carried
away by the superficial things like “he bought me…”, “he’s cute” etc.
You don’t understand
who you are
A
popular cliché goes thus: “when the use of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable”. When you don’t
understand your worth and value as a person, you sell yourself short by getting
involved with “low-lifes” and people that do not value you. Matt 7:6 says “Do
not give what is holy (precious to God) to the dogs; nor cast your pearls
before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and turn around and tear
you in pieces”. Hellur (in Madea accent)! In case you do not know it, you’re
holy (precious to God) and more valuable than pearls. Stop giving yourself to “pigs
and dogs” who will only trample you under feet (devalue you) and turn round to
tear you in pieces (hurt you) with their destructive behaviour. Don’t be eager
to give your heart and self out too soon. Despite what you may think, there are
good men out there; you just have to watch
out for their fruits to know it.
A poor sense of
judgement
If
you’ve been serially deceived into destructive and dead beat relationships, it
may be due to a poor sense of judgement of the displays, motives and characters
of the opposite sex which is acquired via experience (both yours and that of
other people), knowledge (from books, audio/video files etc) and wisdom. If this is your story, not to worry; James 1:5
says “if any of you lack wisdom, ask of
God that gives to all men liberally without reproach, and it will be given him”.
Proverbs 4:7 says “wisdom is the
principal (main) thing; therefore get wisdom and with all thy getting, get
understanding”. Instead of running around looking for who to get involved
with, why not focus on getting wisdom and understanding for your life and for
relationships first? It would save you a lot of pain. Get on your knees and ask
God for all round wisdom that will keep you from unproductive relationships; he’s
more than willing to grant your request.
Destructive behaviours
There
are a wide range of destructive behaviours which, if you exhibit, may trigger
the vicious cycle of botched relationships in your life. These behaviours are
relative and may include unfaithfulness, disrespect, verbally insultive
tendencies, violent tendencies, vices such as smoking, alcohol and other addictions,
lack of a future ambition, nastiness to your family members and people in
general (yeah, that’s right), shopaholic tendencies (ahn!) etc. Before you blame
it on those who left you and justify yourself by saying they never deserved
you, search your life for destructive and repulsive behaviours. You can’t blame
them for leaving when all you’ve been doing is dishing out repulsive
behaviours.
To be continued…
The
third part of this series continues when? Well you just have to stay hooked to
this blog to find out. Have a fulfilled and testimony filled last quarter of
the year. xoxo
P.S- Shout out to all the good men
who treat their women right; watching you do your gives us hope and makes life
beautiful. If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of
the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version.
Are
you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship
matters and life in general? E-mail me
on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.