Setting the Right Boundaries When Dating

It is the boundaries you set that protect you when you can’t protect yourself.

Warning: This post is for those who are of age and are in a relationship or about to get into one; those who wish to maintain sexual purity in a relationship for one reason or the other. You may or may not agree with what is contained in this post but it is in your interest to read it. If you read it with an open heart instead of a closed mind, you will gain a lot. In all, time will prove the truth of these words; the truth is still the truth, whether you think it’s true or not. If I sound too explicit here, pardon me; all I’m doing is trying to pass across a message.

Hehehehe! I wasn’t trying to scare you or go all spooky on you; just wanted to prepare you for what you’re about to read. First things first; what are boundaries? In the context of this blogpost, “boundaries” here means benchmarks you shouldn’t cross in a relationship if you intend to maintain sexual purity. A lot of people enter into relationships with the “no-sex” boundary; as in, there will be no sex in the relationship until marriage (da kind thing). By the “no-sex” rule, they mean there will be no “penetration” in the relationship. On the surface, this looks like the coolest of all boundaries you can have in a relationship; but in reality, it is the weakest of all boundaries! Why do I say so? Because most of the people who started with the “no-sex before marriage” rule eventually ended up breaking it with time. If you intend to maintain sexual purity while dating, here’s what your boundary should entail:

Boundary 1: No Kissing

When I say kissing, I’m referring to what you would call a “French kiss”. Shout out to all my kissers in the house that would give up anything except kissing in a relationship…I know this sounds brutal but please hear me out first. It always starts out with an “innocent kiss” and then “one thing led to another” and then they did it. If you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity in your relationship, your boundaries should begin with no kissing instead of no sex. This is because that so called “simple” act of kissing is actually the trigger that pulls the gun that eventually lands you in bed together after you’ve “lost control” and one thing has led to another. You may claim kissing is just an act of affection and showing someone you love them; you may even claim that you’ve kissed many times before and it didn’t lead to sex. But the truth is that each time you kiss, your self control is dropped a notch lower, hormones that prepare you for sex are released repeatedly, the fire of your libido is increased, and if you keep it at it, you will eventually break the “no sex rule”, I guarantee you that. Then, you’ll wake up one day and wonder how you got to where you are. Check it out; when you first started your kissing game, it would last for a few minutes; then it graduated to a few more minutes and then all the hand movements started rolling in. See baa, the bottom line is this; the no sex rule works best when the no kissing rule is in place; that is if you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity. 

Boundary 2: No Unnecessary Hang Outs in Enclosed Spaces

The emphasis here is on the word “unnecessary”, “enclosed spaces/rooms”, and may I add “sleep overs”. This is a boundary you need to establish as you advance in the relationship. Why? Because as you advance, your familiarity level and comfortable-in-each-others-presence level increases, which is actually a good thing. However, if this boundary is not in place, it could land you in a situation you never expected. Let me remind you that you are attracted to the person you’re dating and there’s a level of chemistry between you two right now (unfortunately, it doesn’t wait till you get married to surface). I know you also have self control and you “know yourself” (believe me, I feel you on this one). But the truth is everyone has “weak moments” and all the enemy of your soul needs is one weak moment, the existing attraction/chemistry between you two and the right environment/situations to set you up and succeed. Yeah, yeah, I know; you’ve tried it before and nothing happened baa? Wait till you try it in a weak moment and see what happens.

Boundary 3: No Confused Friendships with the Opposite Sex

The emphasis here is on the phrase “confused friendships”. Let me first state that there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you have and know your boundaries: friends, not friends with benefits (except that’s your reason for the friendship). You can’t be successfully be friends with someone you have feelings for or you’re attracted to who is also attracted to you or likesssssss you; that is called setting yourself up. Except you set boundary 2 and keep it in place, you will end up in something you never expected and detest yourself and your friend for it.

Boundary 4: Watch What You See and Think

As harmless as it seems, what you see, watch, read and think is also important. The garbage in, garbage out principle applies here. You can’t be feeding your soul and thoughts with materials of explicit sexual content continuously and not have cracks in your self control. It may be as “small” as reading a few EXPLICIT romance novels, looking at a few pictures or romantic/sexual scenes and imagining stuff, fantasizing about kissing and smooching and all that stuff. But these are the little things that puncture your self control by stirring up sexual oriented desires in you unconsciously that set you up later. Ever watched a romantic scene or read a romantic novel and faintly wished you were the one or experienced stirrings within you? That’s what I’m talking about. How else did you come to think that kissing and romance should be part of a relationship? Wasn’t it from what you saw on TV and the things you read???

Oh Men! I Don’t Like These Boundaries

Yea! I feel you; these boundaries will apparently cramp your style shey? That’s why they are boundaries for those who really wanna remain sexually pure while dating. Provs 6:27 says “can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?” I say, can a man pull the trigger of a loaded gun at himself and not be shot/wounded? When it comes to maintaining sexual purity, the wisest book on earth says FLEE; [flee every appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22); flee fornication (1Cor 6:18)]. The problem is instead of fleeing away, most times, we’re either fleeing to it, negotiating with it, and forming self-control, macho, I-can-handle-it and I-know-myself until the deed is done. 

Make em’, Keep em’

Making these boundaries is the first, step; keeping them is the next and important step. By strength shall no man prevail; it takes the grace of God and the Holy Spirit (the spirit of self control) to keep them. God will not zip up your trousers, tie your skirt around your waist, stop you from entering secluded places or stop you from kissing but when you set these boundaries, and ask for his grace, he will empower you to keep them. Remember Isaiah 59:19 – “when the enemy shall come in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him”? It is the standards you raise that the Holy Spirit will use to preserve you when the enemy comes like a flood to sweep you off your feet. Do your part by setting the right boundaries and keeping to them and he will do his part by supplying the ability to keep them.

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