What to Try When You’ve Tried Everything

Hello there,

This post is dedicated to those who’ve done everything they know and things are still not working out; those who are at their wits end and wondering what step to take next…If this situation describes you, here are a few things you may want to try out. Don’t give up just yet; try out the steps listed below and watch how everything will turn around.

Pray About It

Actually, this ought to be the first step you need to try out when things aren’t working. Unfortunately, when we encounter hitches at work, in business or in relationships, we get carried away with what is happening and forget to pray about it. When you pray about a situation, you invite God’s help and intervention and open yourself as well as the situation up to revealed secrets that will turn things around. Aside from that, there’s a special peace that comes from knowing that you’re no longer in it alone because you’ve invoked God’s help.

Seek Counsel

As my pastor Rev. Prince Emmabel once said, there is a difference between advice and counsel. According to him, advice is what you get when you disclose your issues to anyone who cares to listen and it is filled with peoples personal opinion (sometimes myopic and misguided) about how they think you should respond. Counsel gotten from people who are qualified academically, psychologically, experience wise, spiritually etc to handle a particular type of issue or give accurate counsel. Maybe all you’ve sought this while is advice from your peers and people who’re not in the position to give you sound counsel and that’s why you’ve gotten your fingers burnt. He who goes to a dentist to treat his eyes should not complain if he returns home worse; what business does a dentist have with eye treatment??? This time around, take your issue to those who are in the position to give you counsel in business, life matters, marriage matters and etc. Before you go to them, ask the spirit of the Lord to use them to speak to you.

Take Responsibility

When you keep placing the blame on others for the things that happen, it blinds you to how you may have contributed to causing or escalating the issue at hand and what you can do to turn things around. Truthfully, you may have an overbearing and difficult boss, a spouse who has trust or temper issues and it maybe true that the other party is just a troublemaker. Some other person’s carelessness may have landed you in that mess; but if you look carefully to see how you can help the situation, it will suddenly dawn on you what new steps you may have to take. Some situations may not be able to change immediately so we must learn how best to live with and mange them. 

Do Things Differently

I do not know what things you may have tried to salvage that situation already but if what you’ve tried so far isn’t working, you need to try something different. Don’t turn a blind eye to the counsel you received simply because it doesn’t sit too well with you; try it out. After all, you’ve tried so many things and they didn’t work; what do you have to lose? When doctors prescribe a drug and it doesn’t work on a patient despite the fact that it works on others, they try a different drug meant for that ailment; they do not remain stuck trying the previous one. 

Let Go

After you’ve tried all these things and there’s still no turn around, then it’s time to let go. There’s no shame in letting go. Letting go is not the same thing as giving up. Giving up means abandoning all home that there will be a turn around (more like quitting); letting go means relinquishing agitation and worry about how things will turn out and the fact that things are not working and allowing things play out while taking the position of perfect peace. Let go and let God take control; commit everything into God’s hands and stop bothering about it. It will amaze you how things will turn out.

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Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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3 Tips a Strong Woman Could Use

Knowing when and how to act per time is the hallmark of wisdom.  

A strong woman is always a beautiful specimen to watch. Many are intrigued by her, want to be like her and would love to have her; others envy her, while some are intimidated by her. People with low self-esteem are intimidated by her presence and achievements; abusers and manipulators hate her because she won’t tolerate the “nonsense” they dish out without showing them the way to the door. Strong men with a balanced self-esteem trip for her and would give anything to have her cuz they see her as an asset. On her part, she doesn’t care too much about what people think about her because she’s too busy living her life, chasing her dreams, fulfilling destiny and touching her world.  She’s a woman of substance; focused and diligent in all her pursuits, productive, responsible, satisfied with who she is and proud of all God made her to be, independent, an achiever, confident and mature. She can handle her business and pay her own bills. She’s all this and more… In reality, there’s a snag somewhere. In the process of being strong, sometimes strong women lose their femininity where and when it is needed the most.

Hey Strong Woman! I know you’ve got it all together but here are 3 tips (secrets actually) that will make your relationship better and make the man in your life enjoy your strength even more, instead of being wounded by it.

Tip #1- Learn to Let Him Take the Lead

In the context of courtship and marriage, this is veerrry important. Because a strong woman has been used to years of doing things herself and her way, she finds it difficult to adapt and get used to letting the man in her life take the lead and call the shots. Hello Strong Woman! You may be used to calling the shots in your life and at work right now, but once you get into either courtship or marriage, you must learn to let the man in your life take the lead. This doesn’t mean you become a doormat or “kurma” (a mute), it just means that you give suggestions and say what you think, and allow him make the final decision. It also includes knowing that you gotta discuss important decisions that affect your relationship with him before you make them, not after. And just in case he didn’t exactly buy your idea, have enough maturity to know that things don’t have to always go your way. One word for this is submission Relationships require compromise and submission to last and if you can’t handle it, then save the brothers some trouble and don’t get into one.

Tip #2-Allow Him to Help You, Even When You Can Do It Yourself

 Yea, I know you can do most things yourself and even buy most things yourself, but sometimes, you should allow the man in your life feel like he’s useful and take pleasure in doing something for you. Most men like to do something for you simply because you asked them to. Your request creates in your man a psychological feeling of importance, usefulness, and your belief in his ability to get it done as he bends over to grant your request. Doing everything yourself all the time “spoils him” and makes him think “she doesn’t need me”/”I’m not useful to her”. It eventually leads to the point where he may no longer try to get you stuff or do things for you and by that time, you’ll be the one complaining that he never helps out around the house. I know this doesn’t come naturally to you, but it’s something you consciously need to learn and practice.

Tip #3-Switch to Girl Mode When You’re with Him

Women multitask a lot and have to play different roles. These roles involve us wearing different costumes, so to speak, and acting out different parts as occasion demands. Such roles include: mama mode, boss mode, work mode etc. We switch across these different modes unconsciously. However, the problem is that when you eventually get time with the man in your life, instead of switching to girl/wife mode, you remain stuck in mama, boss or work mode. This causes a lot of problems because no man wants to be in a relationship with his mama, or his boss and no one wants to leave the office to return to the same rigid, emotionless and “stiff” environment (work mode) at home. Leave all other modes where they belong. Make a conscious effort to switch to girlfriend/wife mode when you’re with him so he feels like the man in your life and not your kid, subordinate or coworker.

One More Word

If you’re a strong woman reading this, endeavour to practice it and your relationship/marriage will be better for it. If you know or have a strong woman in your life as a spouse, friend, sister, in-law, colleague or whatever, share this with her; you’ll be doing her a lot of good. Roses naturally have thorns; but in order to enjoy them, their thorns are clipped before they’re sold. Putting these tips into practice will clip out the thorny aspect in your life and make you a rose to be enjoyed in every dimension. Xoxo

Did you enjoy this post? Do you agree with these tips? Can you think of other tips a strong woman could use? Feel free to leave your views in the comment section

P.S- If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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Is It The Guys I Pick or Is It Me? (pt 2)

Frequent soul-searching shows you things you wouldn’t have seen ordinarily.

In the previous edition of this post: Is it me or is it the guys I pick? (pt 1), we talked about five factors that may be contributing to the vicious cycle of failed relationships/dating all the wrong men still running its course in your life. Today, we take another set of factors that may be responsible for you experiencing a series of dead beat relationships. To read the previous edition of this post, click here.

Hosea 4:6 says “my people perish (or they’re destroyed) for lack of knowledge…” You can’t do better than what you know and as long as you don’t know what you may be doing wrong, you may continue suffering failed relationships and keep blaming it on the guys you’ve dated when the fault is yours. In the same way that it takes two to tango/tangle, it takes two people to make a relationship work or go bad so you can’t keep blaming it on “they weren’t the right men for me”. If you’ve been privileged not to be involved with a lot of “frog princes”, you still need this knowledge as well, to prevent you from falling into this vicious cycle. Be open-minded as you read, and do some soul-searching to see which of these factors apply to you.

Your mindset about relationships

Beautiful things are a product of effort; even beautiful relationships. It takes a farmer’s weeding, planting, watering, application of fertilizer and pesticides, plus the process of time to have a harvest. Even a good meal requires preparation, heat and time, combined with the right cooking technique, to become a reality. In the same way, every relationship requires effort for it to work. Most times, we erroneously believe that because we love each other, it’s gonna work out or because you’ve found “the right man”, everything is gonna be perfect. Na! Instead of looking for the right one, why not focus on being the right one? No one wants to stay in an abusive, sadistic and toxic relationship where there’s too much fighting, disrespect, unfaithfulness, nasty and destructive behaviour. Do an autopsy on your past failed relationships again and this time, check to see where you didn’t get it right so you can learn from them.  

You don’t have a checklist/standards

Every woman about to enter into a relationship has a desire of the kind of person she wants per time. These desires ought to form your checklist for determining whether or not to get into a relationship with someone. Your checklist should contain your desires; things you consider deal breakers, your standards etc. A good checklist will reduce your chances of getting involved with people that aren’t suitable. However, if you don’t have a checklist or you have an unsuitable checklist, you’ll end up dating too many “frog princes” and face the pain and disappointment that follows. For instance, if all you’ve got on your dating checklist are things like: tall, dark and handsome with a six pack; hot dresser, rich and generous, a good kisser/good in bed, caring etc without lasting criteria such as: not violent, not a flirt, truthful/honest, loves children, focused, destiny-driven, submitted onto God etc, you’re setting yourself for a series of heartache. Long story short: know what you want, prayerfully make it into a checklist and USE YOUR CHECKLIST; don’t be carried away by the superficial things like “he bought me…”, “he’s cute” etc.

You don’t understand who you are

A popular cliché goes thus: “when the use of a thing is not known, abuse is inevitable”. When you don’t understand your worth and value as a person, you sell yourself short by getting involved with “low-lifes” and people that do not value you. Matt 7:6 says “Do not give what is holy (precious to God) to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and turn around and tear you in pieces”. Hellur (in Madea accent)! In case you do not know it, you’re holy (precious to God) and more valuable than pearls. Stop giving yourself to “pigs and dogs” who will only trample you under feet (devalue you) and turn round to tear you in pieces (hurt you) with their destructive behaviour. Don’t be eager to give your heart and self out too soon. Despite what you may think, there are good men out there; you just have to watch out for their fruits to know it.

A poor sense of judgement

If you’ve been serially deceived into destructive and dead beat relationships, it may be due to a poor sense of judgement of the displays, motives and characters of the opposite sex which is acquired via experience (both yours and that of other people), knowledge (from books, audio/video files etc) and wisdom.  If this is your story, not to worry; James 1:5 says “if any of you lack wisdom, ask of God that gives to all men liberally without reproach, and it will be given him”. Proverbs 4:7 says “wisdom is the principal (main) thing; therefore get wisdom and with all thy getting, get understanding”. Instead of running around looking for who to get involved with, why not focus on getting wisdom and understanding for your life and for relationships first? It would save you a lot of pain. Get on your knees and ask God for all round wisdom that will keep you from unproductive relationships; he’s more than willing to grant your request. 

Destructive behaviours

There are a wide range of destructive behaviours which, if you exhibit, may trigger the vicious cycle of botched relationships in your life. These behaviours are relative and may include unfaithfulness, disrespect, verbally insultive tendencies, violent tendencies, vices such as smoking, alcohol and other addictions, lack of a future ambition, nastiness to your family members and people in general (yeah, that’s right), shopaholic tendencies (ahn!) etc. Before you blame it on those who left you and justify yourself by saying they never deserved you, search your life for destructive and repulsive behaviours. You can’t blame them for leaving when all you’ve been doing is dishing out repulsive behaviours.

To be continued…

The third part of this series continues when? Well you just have to stay hooked to this blog to find out. Have a fulfilled and testimony filled last quarter of the year. xoxo

P.S- Shout out to all the good men who treat their women right; watching you do your gives us hope and makes life beautiful. If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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Is It The Guys I Pick or Is It Me? (pt 1)

Instead of playing the blame game, check to see if you’re responsible for it too…selah

In one of the popular fairy tales (I can’t remember the name, I think it’s the frog prince), a princess kisses a frog and he turns into a sweet handsome prince. Wow! As much as we wish that would happen in real life, most times kissing a frog, so to speak, does not turn him into a prince. Today’s post is dedicated to those who’ve not been so “lucky” in relationships; those who’ve been in a lot of relationships that came to an abrupt end. If this is your story, you’ll agree with me that you get to that point where you begin to wonder: Is it me or is it the guys I pick??? It’s quite easy to blame it on the guys you’ve dated so far by saying “they were not the right one for me that’s why”. But before you give yourself these excuses once again, let’s look at things closely to be sure you don’t have a hand in creating this vicious cycle.

Check out some factors that may be contributing to the vicious cycle of dating all the wrong men still running its course in your life.

Your Love For The “Six Pack”

Yes ke, who doesn’t love the guy with the six-pack (by six-pack here I mean a guy who has a good build and also looks good)? I mean, why shouldn’t we have a crush on him or even love him? The truth sis is: if having a six-pack is your prerequisite for picking a man, then you’ll be hanging out with a lot of six-packed frog princes so to speak. His six-pack doesn’t guarantee that he will treat you right in that relationship. It does guarantee one thing though: you’ll look good in photos and get an award as “the girl friend of the six-packed hunk”. Redo your checklist for picking a prospective partner to include lasting characters that make for a good relationship and you’ll no longer be stuck with kissing six-packed frog princes.

The Places You Go To (Your Social Circle)

Your social circle kind of restricts those you’ll meet. There are certain places you go to that make you prone to meeting guys who are only after having fun, players, low-lifes and the likes (I’ll leave you to figure out such places for yourself). If you keep going to a bad well to fetch water, don’t complain when all you keep getting is dirty water. Sweety, if you’re tired of meeting these unserious and unpleasant people, change the places you go to; change your social cycle.

You Give Your Heart Too Soon

Sometimes, when we feel we’ve found “the man of our dreams”, it fills us with so much joy that we give our heart, love and even our bodies too soon only to discover that he’s not that into us. What started as a prospective wonderful relationship then becomes a nightmare due to unrequited love, cold shoulders from the guy etc. Girl friend, don’t be in a haste to bring out all your wifey skills and switch to wifey mode when a relationship is just starting out. Even though you guys are now dating, it’s not a done deal cuz he’s still observing and rating you to see if he wants to stick with you. So, if he discovers you’re not really what he wants, he may leave you high and dry, despite all the love you’ve been showing him. This could be the reason you’ve been ditched serially all this while.

You’re in Love With “Bad Guys”

Okay, before you accuse me, “bad guys” here means all those fly guys with a lot of swag who know how to put it on you and make you feel great as a lady but also come with a baggage of VICES. The best metaphor to describe them would be buying poison in a cute bottle or can and drinking it only to start feeling the sting afterwards. Ideally, one would think any sane and intelligent lady won’t fall into the trap of these “bad guys” but in reality, MANY cute intelligent ladies get involved with these guys. If you find that you’ve dated more bad guys than you can count, it may be because you’re in ‘love’ with such guys and how they make you feel. To tell the truth, these guys know how to make a lady feel good but when they start dishing out their other side, all we wanna do is RUN! For more on this, click here.

A History of Abuse

When you’ve suffered some form of abuse in your past, especially while growing up either directly or indirectly, you may come to a point where you’re comfortable with enduring nasty treatment in relationships. A history of abuse increases your tolerance (threshold) for nasty treatment in certain aspects and may even create mascochism in your life. If this is your case, you may have found yourself making this kind of excuses:

• He’s the only one who loves me in the world and I don’t wanna lose him

• He’s nasty/abusive to me or beats me I caused it and because he loves me.

• I’ve suffered worse things and they didn’t kill me so I’ll endure it.

And now you’re wondering why all the guys you’ve dated so far have been nasty to you and you’re probably even settling for the idea that love and life is all about pain.

Is That All?

No dear, there’s more to come. Watch out for the rest of the factors (five more actually) that have kept you in the vicious cycle of dating frog princes tomorrow. Keep a date with us for the sequel to this juicy post. xoxo

P.S- Shout out to all the good men who treat their women right; watching you do your gives us hope and makes life beautiful. If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

Follow us on twitter here and like our facebook page here.