Trust Issues: How Did I Get Here???

A relationship without trust is like a car without tyres; it goes no where.

As I promised yesterday, today’s post is dedicated to those who have discovered that they have trust issues and they’re wondering why they find it so hard to trust. For some people, they’ve always found it difficult to trust for as long as they can remember. For most people with trust issues, their inability to trust in relationships arose at some point in their lives due to certain circumstances/situations. In the same way that a diagnosis + lab tests enables a doctor get to the root cause of an illness, this post will enable you discover the root of your current trust issues so you can get help and be free from it. Below are five factors that lead to an inability to trust in relationships (trust issues).

#1-Your ex cheated on you or ditched you for another person

Unfortunately, despite all the sweet words and promises to love you forever, relationships come to an end sometimes because one party cheated or your beau left you for someone prettier, taller, richer etc. When this happens, it leaves you feeling empty and broken hearted with an inability to trust in subsequent relationships. You become suspicious because you usually feel your new beau may cheat on you or ditch you like your previous beau did.

#2-Low self-esteem

When you have a low self-esteem, you feel you’re not good enough for the one you’re dating and constantly feel threatened when a lady you feel is more endowed than you comes around your beau. This in turn leads you to display some or all of the signs that show you have trust issues (click here to read the 5 signs that show you have trust issues). Self-esteem is definitely something every girl needs for all round stability. (click here to read self-esteem: something every girl needs)

#3-Someone close to you has been mistreated in a relationship

This is actually the major root cause of trust issues. A lot of people currently having trust issues witnessed firsthand someone close to them (such as their parent, sibling, friend etc) mistreated in a relationship by a partner who was unfaithful and untruthful to them. Even though they were not directly affected, watching their loved ones go through such a nasty experience has made them develop a defense mechanism to prevent them suffering what their loved ones suffered. This eventually manifests as a high degree of suspiciousness and an inability to trust.

#4-You have been unfaithful

People who have been unfaithful previously in past relationships tend to be very suspicious of their current partner’s moves because of their guilt and experience at cheating. They’re quick to identify and suspect actions similar to the ones they used when they were unfaithful and this makes it difficult to trust because they feel they’re about to get played.

#5-You’re a pessimist

Pessimists, as we all know, are people who generally look on the darker side in every situation. Pessimists tend to focus on the negative probabilities/what ifs that may occur in a relationship. For instance, when they call their beau and he’s not picking the call, instead of thinking up positive excuses such as “he’s too busy to answer”, “he probably isn’t close to his phone” etc, their mind immediately races to thoughts such as “he’s avoiding my calls because he’s with another lady” etc.

You Need a Total Mindset Renewal

Now you can see the root cause of your inability to trust, it makes it easier to deal with it. Instead of making excuses to justify your trust issues, acknowledge it and receive help instead. Let go of all that has happened in the past and discard that suspicious mindset. Give everyone you meet the benefit of the doubt. Stop making Paul pay for the sins of Peter; quit judging everyone you meet by past experiences. Allow them to reveal themselves by their actions and treat them accordingly. Speak with a counselor; ask someone to hold hands and agree with you in prayer. Make up your mind to learn to trust again and gradually, your ability to trust will be restored. Your present beau should not suffer for the sins of the jerks that hurt you in the past. Let go of all your insecurities and receive healing so you can enjoy your current relationship. xoxo                                                                                      

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Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help. 

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4 Things You Shouldn’t Be Looking at and Why

You can’t to look anywhere but forward if you must win the race of life. Selah.

Happy weekend to you. I do hope the weekend is treating you real good. A thought entered my head recently that blew my mind and made me scream out and this was what I thought about: the difference between the angle of elevation and the angle of depression is not what is happening around you but what direction you choose to look at. There are things that elevate your spirit when you look at them and there are things that depress you when you look at them. What does this mean? What you look at with your physical eyes, but most especially with your mind’s eye is very important. Today, I’ll like to focus on what you look at with your mind’s eye. So, here are four things you should not be looking at with your mind’s eye and why.

#1- The Past

The past represents everything good, bad and ugly that happened to you or people around you all through time before now. Yesterday is not and will never be today. When all you look at in your mind’s eyes is the unpleasant past it kills your hope for a brighter day, spoils the joy you would have experienced today, and makes you reactive, instead of proactive. Even if the past was very beautiful and blissful, looking at it constantly and wishing you could go back to yesterday is not a proactive thought. As much as we try, we can’t rewind or bring back yesteryears. Looking at how great we looked formally or the wonderful achievements of the past is supposed to be applied to people who are dead and gone while making a tribute to them. You have a future ahead of you and your present life to deal with; look forward.

#2 – Your Mistakes

 No one deliberately sets out to make mistakes. And even though we sometimes wish we never made the mistakes we made, mistakes are a useful part of the school called life. If you ever have to look at your mistakes, glance at it briefly (glance, not look) to take corrections from it and dump it where it should be-buried with the past. You know why? Focusing on the mistakes you made kills your boldness and will to try again. Take a cue from babies learning to walk: even though they fell yesterday, it doesn’t stop them from trying to walk or run again today.

#3- The Chaos Around You

These days we hear a lot of terrible and incredible stories of what people do and what happens to people around us and you will agree with me that these stories sometimes leaves us with goose bumps. In fact, turn up any news channel and the ratio of bad news to good news is quite high. Even with regards to marriage, the gory tales of happenings in marriages as well as the alarming divorce rate is quite depressing. Now I’m not saying turn a deaf ear or stop watching the news but such things are not things you should internalize and stare at continually in your mind. They will only depress you and drain the batteries of your zest for life plus turn you into a cynic, a pessimist and a faithless person.

#4 – The Mountains Before You

By “mountains” I mean challenges; those “what ifs” and difficulties that confront you on the way to achieving your dreams, visions and aspirations. If you’re a goal getter and a vision-chaser like me, then you understand what I mean when I say mountains. Take note of them yes, but not as obstacles or problems; take note of them as challenges that you will surely overcome. The mountains before you are not supposed to form the focus in your mind’s eye; finding the solution to them is supposed to form your focus.

Why Shouldn’t I Look at these Four Things???

It’s simple: these four things are all angles of depression that if you continually stare at them will land you into depression puncture your faith and prevent you from winning in life. Before the aeroplane was made, men never believed it was possible. Before Mount Everest was first climbed by Edmund Hillary from New Zealand and Tenzing Norgay from Nepal, people believed it was impossible.  No one wins a race by running and looking backwards or looking down below; they win it by looking forward, keeping their eyes on the finish line and running. Another direction you need to look at is “upwards”. It is the angle of elevation that will eventually elevate you. Psalm 121:1-2 says “I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.” 

Miracles still happen, we all need help. What you look at in your mind’s eye affects you and your life seriously. Do a soul-check today and reposition your mind’s eyes. Xoxo. Have a sweet week ahead.

P:S Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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