EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Yesterday, I talked about how to know a toxic relationship via its signs. Today, I'll be talking about the effects a toxic relationship has on you when you stay in it. Happy reading.

#1 - IT STEALS YOUR CONFIDENCE
The first thing a toxic relationship strikes at is your confidence. Through physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse, it erodes your confidence over time making you feel inadequate in one way or the other. Love is kind. Anyone who treats you nastily in the name of love does not truly love you. They may claim they do, but the truth is that people with dysfunctional behaviour cannot love you properly. Bishop Noel Jones once said that a lover cannot love you beyond his capacity to love. A violent man may love you, but will beat you to a pulp because that is his lifestyle. A womaniser will love you and cheat on you because womanising is his culture. Worse still, both of them will blame you for being the cause of their actions. He/she who falls in love with a scorpion or cobra should not complain when it stings/bites him/her.

#2 - IT STEALS YOUR ABILITY TO TRUST AND LOVE
Staying in a toxic relationship eventually destroys your ability to love and to trust. It brings you to the point where you can't trust anyone anymore and you give up on love to settle for flings, single parenthood or adopting a child. When you catch your self saying men/women are all the same, cannot be trusted or are wicked, it is because you've been in a toxic relationship directly or you've watched someone close to you suffer from a toxic relationship. And that's where the devil would like to keep you so you'll miss out on the beautiful future/marriage God has in store for you.

#3 - IT CORRUPTS YOUR MINDSET ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX
It's amazing how one or two toxic relationships can make you label the opposite sex negatively. Even though you've not dated or met all the men on the earth, a toxic relationship will make you say things like all men are liars and cheats etc. That is because a toxic relationship poisons your perspective about the opposite sex with time; even though in reality, all men are not the same.

#4 - IT CORRUPTS YOUR VIEW ABOUT MARRIAGE
The reason many people today are scared of marriage is toxic relationships. They've either been in one or watched a loved one suffer from one. So you hear people say things like 'marriage is a necessary evil', 'marriage is bondage/prison' and 'I'd rather remain single'. When you see a single person who intentionally chooses to remain single, it's usually because they've been badly poisoned/wounded by a toxic relationship.

#5 - IT STEALS YOUR ABILITY TO BE TENDER AND LEAVES YOU WITH HARSHNESS
Continually enduring the toxic behaviour in a toxic relationship completely erodes your ability to be tender and kind and replaces it with harshness in words and behaviour. So even when you enter a new relationship, your new love unfortunately can't get the best of you anymore. All that is left is a shadow of you filled with harshness. It takes God alone to undo the effects of a toxic relationship.

#6 - IT ALTERS YOUR SEXUALITY
A toxic relationship which involves sex tampers with your sexuality. It's either it leaves you frigid (unable to desire or enjoy sex) or it makes you a masochist who can't enjoy sex until it involves pain or violence. It may also make you a sex addict due to eroded self control because you now equate love with sex such that until a relationship involves sex, you can't believe that he/she loves you.

TAKE ACTION NOW
Poison is poison. Enduring a toxic relationship hoping that it will get better is surrendering your life to be an epitome of all these effects. When a drug's adverse effects outweighs its positive effects, the Doctor usually advises you to discontinue its use and recommends one with little or no side effects. The same thing applies to a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship is not out rightly bad; there are a few positive things about it. However, its negative effects are more which makes it dangerous and unsuitable. The first step is to call of the relationship. The second step is to get help and allow God heal you, undo these effects and restore you. You don't have to end up alone and loveless. You can learn to love again and enjoy a healthy relationship. Better things await you in future. The only way to get off the road of destruction and get the future you desire is to retrace your steps and chart a new course. Xoxo

Do you need help with breaking out from a toxic relationship? Do you need healing and restoration from the effects of a toxic relationship? I'll be glad to help. Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

P. S. To know more about toxic relationships, click here, here, here, and here.

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Trust Issues: How Did I Get Here???

A relationship without trust is like a car without tyres; it goes no where.

As I promised yesterday, today’s post is dedicated to those who have discovered that they have trust issues and they’re wondering why they find it so hard to trust. For some people, they’ve always found it difficult to trust for as long as they can remember. For most people with trust issues, their inability to trust in relationships arose at some point in their lives due to certain circumstances/situations. In the same way that a diagnosis + lab tests enables a doctor get to the root cause of an illness, this post will enable you discover the root of your current trust issues so you can get help and be free from it. Below are five factors that lead to an inability to trust in relationships (trust issues).

#1-Your ex cheated on you or ditched you for another person

Unfortunately, despite all the sweet words and promises to love you forever, relationships come to an end sometimes because one party cheated or your beau left you for someone prettier, taller, richer etc. When this happens, it leaves you feeling empty and broken hearted with an inability to trust in subsequent relationships. You become suspicious because you usually feel your new beau may cheat on you or ditch you like your previous beau did.

#2-Low self-esteem

When you have a low self-esteem, you feel you’re not good enough for the one you’re dating and constantly feel threatened when a lady you feel is more endowed than you comes around your beau. This in turn leads you to display some or all of the signs that show you have trust issues (click here to read the 5 signs that show you have trust issues). Self-esteem is definitely something every girl needs for all round stability. (click here to read self-esteem: something every girl needs)

#3-Someone close to you has been mistreated in a relationship

This is actually the major root cause of trust issues. A lot of people currently having trust issues witnessed firsthand someone close to them (such as their parent, sibling, friend etc) mistreated in a relationship by a partner who was unfaithful and untruthful to them. Even though they were not directly affected, watching their loved ones go through such a nasty experience has made them develop a defense mechanism to prevent them suffering what their loved ones suffered. This eventually manifests as a high degree of suspiciousness and an inability to trust.

#4-You have been unfaithful

People who have been unfaithful previously in past relationships tend to be very suspicious of their current partner’s moves because of their guilt and experience at cheating. They’re quick to identify and suspect actions similar to the ones they used when they were unfaithful and this makes it difficult to trust because they feel they’re about to get played.

#5-You’re a pessimist

Pessimists, as we all know, are people who generally look on the darker side in every situation. Pessimists tend to focus on the negative probabilities/what ifs that may occur in a relationship. For instance, when they call their beau and he’s not picking the call, instead of thinking up positive excuses such as “he’s too busy to answer”, “he probably isn’t close to his phone” etc, their mind immediately races to thoughts such as “he’s avoiding my calls because he’s with another lady” etc.

You Need a Total Mindset Renewal

Now you can see the root cause of your inability to trust, it makes it easier to deal with it. Instead of making excuses to justify your trust issues, acknowledge it and receive help instead. Let go of all that has happened in the past and discard that suspicious mindset. Give everyone you meet the benefit of the doubt. Stop making Paul pay for the sins of Peter; quit judging everyone you meet by past experiences. Allow them to reveal themselves by their actions and treat them accordingly. Speak with a counselor; ask someone to hold hands and agree with you in prayer. Make up your mind to learn to trust again and gradually, your ability to trust will be restored. Your present beau should not suffer for the sins of the jerks that hurt you in the past. Let go of all your insecurities and receive healing so you can enjoy your current relationship. xoxo                                                                                      

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5 Signs You’ve Got Trust Issues in a Relationship

A relationship without trust is like a car without tyres; it goes no where.

Hello to all my readers! The month of August has been a refreshing one for me. I spent the early days of the month preparing for an empowerment camp (Word WYN camp) which I eventually attended from 8^th-15^th August so I wasn’t able to do any blogpost. But I’m back now so expect a regular flow of blogposts. I got some juicy excerpts from the camp and they’ll start rolling in from tomorrow. Meanwhile, today let’s talk about TRUST.

Trust is one of the pillars of any relationship. Without trust, what began as a sweet relationship could turn out to be a nightmare and a thorn in the flesh. Where there is a lack of trust, there’s always SUSPICION. Suspicion is okay if there are reasons to be suspicious. However, when you have trust issues, you’re suspicious by default. You suspect your beau even when there is no reason to be suspicious; what’s more, suspicion has become your habit, pattern of behaviour, mindset and an attitude you adopt in all your relationships. Today’s blogpost is an eye-opener to help you see if you tend more towards suspicion rather than trust in a relationship. As you read them, examine yourself to see if you’re guilty.

#1-You go berserk when you see your beau with someone of the opposite sex

 If you find out that each time you see your beau standing or talking with anyone of the opposite sex, anger, rage and jealousy begin to stir up within you to the point where you begin to harass either your beau or the “stranger” with your words or actions, you clearly have trust issues. Hello! They’re just having a conversation; they’re not doing anything suspicious. There’s nothing wrong with talking with someone of the opposite sex. Moreover, you didn’t find them kissing or in a provocative pose, did you? Sorry dear, you can’t be the only one of the opposite sex your beau talks to on the earth except you guys go to another planet made for just the two of you. If this is the way you react in all your relationships, it’s a clear sign you have trust issues.  

#2-You interrogate your beau over everything

Now this one’s a biggie and it’s quite annoying if you ask me. It’s okay to ask your beau questions about things you don’t like now and then. But you’re out of line when you interrogate your beau over every little thing. When I say “interrogate”, I mean questioning every call he receives to know who and why, consistently checking phone call logs and text messages to question them, questioning every move he makes, interrogating him over why he failed to visit you as he promised etc. If you’re guilty of this, you’re no longer a beau but a POLICE and no one likes to undergo such interrogation daily cuz it screams loudly that you don’t trust them.

#3-You accuse him of cheating without proof

No one loves to be accused of cheating when they aren't.

Even in the law court, no one is charged to court without evidence that incriminates them. Accusing your beau of cheating on you based on flimsy excuses such as reduced calls/texts, consistent calls from a particular person, rumours from girlfriends, distance (if he’s in another town), hearing a female voice in the background when he calls etc are all clear signs of a person with trust issues. Yes, these actions may be quite suspicious at times and lead you to think he’s cheating, but if you didn’t have trust issues, you’d handle it more appropriately by calmly asking him questions instead of outrightly accusing him of being unfaithful.

#4-You only trust your beau when you guys are together

If you fall in this category, you clearly have trust issues. It’s true that when you’re apart, you can’t see each other and therefore you can’t tell what the other person is up to. A pure mind that trusts always believes the best of the other person till proved otherwise. But a suspicious mind belonging to one who has trust issues immediately feels “when he’s not with me, he’s cheating”. Duh! If he’s that much of a cheat, why are you with him anyways??? Is he a baby whose sexuality you now control by your presence??? Then get ready to follow him everywhere (which won’t stop anyone bent on cheating from cheating).

#5-You’re quick to believe suspicious rumours about whoever you date

Sometimes, rumours contain truth; but at other times, they may be engineered by people who don’t want you to be with your beau. You can’t stop these rumours from getting to your ears but you can control how you react to them. If you always quickly believe every rumour you hear about who you’re in a relationship with without investigating to know if it’s true, it’s a clear sign you have trust issues. In your head, you’ve always suspected that he’ll cheat so hearing such a rumour is like a confirmation of something you’ve always know.

Let’s Call a Spade a Spade

Hello dear, stop lying to yourself and to your beau that you’ve been acting out all of this hysterical signs because you love him. No dear, you’ve been doing all these things because you don’t trust him and it’s not as a result of what he’s done, but due to your inability to trust (trust issues). Your inability to trust is a psychological imbalance that needs to be addressed. If you don’t deal with it, it will lead to other obsessive compulsive behaviours such as outbursts of jealousy, sadism, rage etc. What’s more, failure to deal with your trust issues will make you a thorn in the flesh of your beau and eventually destroy the beautiful relationship you’re trying so hard to protect. If you’re wondering why you find it so hard to trust and how you got to this point, stay tuned to the blog as we talk about Trust Issues: How Did I Get Here tomorrow. xoxo                                                                                              

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5 Side Effects of Casual Sex You Don’t Know

The choices, decisions and steps we take affect us in more ways than we can imagine.

I’m pretty sure you know a lot of side effects of casual sex (whether protected or unprotected) but I guarantee you that what you’re about to read may not be what you think. Everything on thing on the earth has effects which could be positive or negative. The term “side effects” is usually used for things that have a positive effect alongside certain negative, uncomfortable or unpleasant effects. Aside from catching HIV/AIDS, STDs and the likes, unwanted pregnancies and so on, there are other side effects of casual sex which you may not be aware of and yours truly has taken it upon her to share them with you. Fasten your seatbelt as we take a trip through discovery land.

Side Effect #1 – Soul Tie

What is a soul tie? A brand of ties? A tie that the soul wears? Lol, capital NO. A soul tie is actually the bond created between two souls, usually created via sex (definition mine). Sex creates a bond that is different from other kinds of bond (e.g. the bond between friends, family etc)-a spiritual bond between two souls; a soul tie. This is great in marriage because it bonds spouses who are committed to each other together. But in any other scenario, it becomes a hazard because it keeps you bonded to past lovers you’ve long separated from such that it is easier to fall into the temptation to sleep with an ex-lover, even when the relationship has long ended. With each soul tie created, you lose a part of you to that sex partner and gain a part of the person. The more soul ties you create, the more you lose bits of yourself and gain bits of others until you get to that point where you wonder how you acquired all these habits/mannerisms that were not there at the beginning.

Side Effect #2 – An Increased Libido

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Yea bebe, this is another side effect of casual sex. No one is created a sex maniac from the beginning. We all start out as virgins with a little sexual appetite until the steps we take or the things we experience get us to the point where we become sex addicts. I’m talking about that point where you just can’t do without sex and if there’s no one to “relieve you”, you “help yourself” *wink*. With each sex partner you add to your life, your libido keeps increasing till it gets out of control.

Side Effect #3 – Lack of Self Control

This side effect is a product of side effect two. Little drops of water they say make an ocean. With each casual sex experience (or should I say experiment), one vital thing lost in the process is self-control and a whole lot of it for that matter.  And like I said before, you also gain something: an increased libido.

Side Effect #4 – Disregard for the Opposite Sex

Ahn, aside from all the heart break and stuff people do which cause us to disregard the opposite sex, casual sex also has the same effect. You lose respect for the opposite sex and begin to say things like “they’re all the same” and the likes. You also develop an “everybody is doing it” mindset toward sex and the opposite sex in general.

Side Effect #5 – Inability to Trust

Obviously, this side effect is a product of side effect four. As you begin to lose respect for the opposite sex, you also lose the ability to trust because it is now engrained in your mind that “they’re all the same and cannot be trusted”. So, you find it difficult to trust eventually especially when you enter into a serious relationship.

Turn the Lights Up!

Hehehehe! I do believe with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince and not confuse you that… Don’t mind me jor. I hope that a light bulb has been switched on in your head because of this post. If you’re presently a victim of any or all of these side effects, don’t feel bad; there’s hope for you. Just like there is a remedy for the itchiness that is the side effect of the old malaria drug “chloroquine”, there is a remedy for these side effects. With the help of God and his grace, you can overcome all these and have these side effects reversed. He’s done it for many before; he can do it again for you if you’ll only reach out for his help. Xoxo

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