4 Reasons Why You “Fell Out of Love”

I’ll like to start this post by saying that love is a choice, not a feeling. Unfortunately, Hollywood and the media have propagated love as a feeling (that kind of feeling that grips you and you can’t help but surrender). Feelings are unstable, they are triggered by external stimuli; love is a choice to be affectionate and kind to someone. I’m using the phrase “fell out of love” here to mean the end of a relationship. Breaking up is not always an easy thing – especially when it leaves you wondering why it had to come to an end. But if you understand why it had to come to an end, it becomes easier to go through the healing process. What are these reasons?

The relationship was based solely on feelings

Feelings don’t last forever, they come and go. Feelings are triggered by something: maybe looks, physical traits, kindness, gifts etc. Feelings are not necessarily bad but they cannot be the basis of a relationship because they’re not strong enough to hold it together. The same person making you feel mushy today may also make you feel like strangling them tomorrow. That is why love is not a feeling. So, since the feelings grew cold, and the relationship was based on feelings, it came to an end. 

You outgrew each other

For a relationship to last and stand the test of time, both parties must grow individually and grow together. If one party begins to neglect his/her personal growth, it begins to create imbalance. When this happens, instead of growing together, you’re hobbies and preferences begin to change, misunderstanding begins to set in, you no longer blend and you eventually start growing apart. 

You no longer match each other

This is sometimes a product of growing apart. Relationships need a degree of compatibility continuously to be able to last (not alikeness, but compatibility). Not every relationship leads to marriage. People start relationships with the intention and hope that it ends in marriage only to discover that they are not compatible and are therefore not suitable for each other. When this happens, the inevitable is a break up because a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. 

The relationship became too toxic

A good relationship is supposed to enhance your life. A toxic relationship, however, ends up poisoning you and your life in many ways. Sometimes, relationships start out well only to become toxic over time. When this happens, the relationship is gradually eroded until it grinds to a halt. To read more about toxic relationships, click here and here. 

Move on!

Whether the break up was your fault or not, I came to announce to you that it is time to move on with your life. Better days lie ahead of you. Learn from your mistakes, if any. Understand that not every relationship leads to marriage. No matter how you try to force it, if it’s not meant to last, it won’t. Don’t get bitter and angry at life – it will only make you a frustrated and harsh woman which will eventually repel the right man when he comes. Stay joyful, stay focused and trust God to perfect all that concerns you. Enjoy your weekend. xoxo

P:S Do you have any questions or comments about this blogpost? Do you need counsel concerning relationships? Do you have any private issues you want to raise? Would you like to be featured as a guest blogger here? Would you like to advertise with us? Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com 

Evidence Grace is the founder and head-blogger at Sister 2 Sister Nigeria. She's passionate about seeing people get it right in life, destiny and marriage. A woman of many gifts, and talents, she is focused on fulfilling God's purpose for her life, becoming ALL God has fore-ordained her to be and spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth. Her marital status?Keep your fingers crossed.

Follow us on twitter here and like our facebook page here.

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The Gift of Goodbye…

Sometimes, the best and only option is to say good bye and move on.

Hey there! This post is dedicated to those who just lost something; those who just experienced a break up or lost a loved one to death…

Goodbye is not just a word we say when people leave us; it is actually the ability to let go of things or situations when they’ve run their course and have come to an end. As much as we wish that some things, moments, or relationships last forever, in reality things have a time limit and so they eventually come to an end. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the breakup of a relationship/courtship, the drifting apart of a friendship due to distance or something else, or the loss of something you love, you need the gift of goodbye to successfully let go of the loss and move on to better things. Although the loss of a relationship, loved one or something dear to you sometimes feels like the end of the world, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The truth is that there are better days ahead; if you will just get through it, you will come out stronger. Here are a few tips to help you say goodbye to your present losses and move on to better days.

Grieve if You Feel Like It

Now is not the time to form “macho”; if you feel disappointed, hurt and tempted to cry, by all means cry. Lock yourself up in the room and cry to help let out all the anger and hurtful feelings bottled up within you. Research has proved that crying when we’re hurt is quite helpful as it helps let out all the hurt and leaves you feeling lighter. Make it even better by crying unto God, pouring out your heart to him and asking him to heal your heart as well as help you get through this phase of life. You’ll be amazed at how much stronger you’ll feel when you’re done.

Stop the Blame and Wishing Game

When we lose something, someone or a relationship, our natural tendency is to blame it on something, someone or even blame ourselves and wish that so so so thing that led to this thing never happened. Looking for who or what to blame it on and wishing it never happened/wishing you could turn back the hands of time will only leave you feeling depressed and more miserable than you already are. Take a break from psychoanalyzing the whole scenario repeatedly and from asking “why me?” and “why did this have to happen now?” continuously. Those questions are not productive. On this side of the universe, unexpected unpleasant things happen sometimes and we all have to learn to go through them.

Where Possible, Get Help

Involve capable and trusted friends and family members as you go through this grieving process. Let them be your support system. Let them be the hands that hold you when you cry and the lips that intercede for you in prayer when you are too weighed down by sorrow to pray. Believe me, you need all the prayer you can get. Listen to the stories of people who went through similar situations like yours and have come out stronger, it will motivate you a great deal and boost your faith and zest for life. Look for and read helpful books that handle what you’re going through.

Take Each Day as It Comes

Going through a loss/a goodbye moment usually feels like the end of the world even though it isn’t. Instead of wondering if you’ll ever love/trust again and if you’ll ever find anyone like the one you lost to death or a breakup, focus on taking each day as it comes. Wounds heal, tears dry up (cuz no one cries forever), broken hearts heal; you will eventually learn to laugh and smile again. It is the things we go through that make us stronger, wiser and shape us for the better. Don’t shut your heart, don’t become nasty or rigid because of the things that have happened; otherwise you will shut out the good things God has in store for you in the days ahead and guess what, the only person who would lose would be you.

Kathryn Kulhman once said the things we go through can either make us bitter or better; it all depends on the perspective we look at and how we take it. When we focus on “I”, we become bitter; but when we focus of “El-Shaddai”, we become better. Allow this goodbye moment to make you better, not bitter. The end of one chapter is the beginning of another chapter. Your best days lie ahead; say goodbye to what you lost and those that left, move on and catch up with the good days that lie ahead. xoxo

Did you enjoy this post? Do you have more useful tips on this topic? Feel free to leave your views in the comment section.

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Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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NowThat You’re Single Again…

Shout out to all those who just became single recently.  

Being in a relationship has its good and fun side. It also has its benefits: someone to laugh with, a shoulder to cry one, someone who loves and cares for you, the hangouts, the fun moments, the precious memories and all. What’s more, the Bible even says “two are better than one…” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Truth be told, most of us would naturally pick being in a relationship than being single. 

So you’ve been in a relationship with this guy for a while (months or maybe even years) and things were going smoothly. But somehow, something happened and you’re back to square one: you’re now single. Whether or not the reason for the end of the relationship was caused by you, becoming single after being in a relationship for a while feels like losing the use of your legs due to an accident and having to re-learn how to walk again. No more calls/texts, no more hangouts, no more affection from the person etc. If you’re not careful, you could hook up with anyone who comes your way just to numb the emptiness you feel due to your present single status. But is this the solution?

Before we talk about the solution, let’s look at a few things you may be experiencing now that you’re single:

Mood Swings: Yea, yea! The more you think about the relationship, the good and bad times you had, the reasons for the break up or death of the relationship, your emotions enter a roller coaster and you start having mood swings. You find yourself happy at one moment and sad the next moment.

Anger and Bitterness: When you began that relationship, you had high hopes that it would last and now it’s broken. You may find yourself feeling angry and bitter over wasted time especially if you were not the cause of the break-up.

Fear: “Once beaten, twice shy” goes a popular English saying. Depending on the circumstances that led to your present single state, you may find yourself feeling afraid of having to go through the dating game and find a new person.

Tired of Relationships: Depending on the things you went through in the last relationship, you may find yourself completely tired and wanting nothing to do with having a relationship.

What’s the First Step?

Now that you’re single again, what’s the first step? ALLOW YOURSELF TO HEAL. Do not be in a haste to date anyone new. Have a good cry. Cry out your pain till you feel better. Research shows that crying does a lot of good by helping you release pent up emotions. Do a post-mortem on the relationship. Think through and see where and how things deteriorated before you eventually broke up. Find out where you got it wrong so when you eventually have another relationship, you may get it right. 

If you ask me, I’ll suggest you stay six months to one year before you plunge into another relationship. Why? So your heart can heal well enough. Otherwise, you’ll just carry baggage from the past and end up destroying the new relationship.

Hold on Girl! It Gets Easier as Each Day Passes

I know it doesn’t look like that now, but the truth is, time does heal wounds…but only when you take time to bind and treat those wounds. All the hurt and anger you feel towards the male folk will fade away with time. You’ll learn to love again, only if you give yourself time to heal. Take one day at a time. You’ll get stronger as the day passes.

Are you single because he died? May God comfort you. Asking God why he allowed him die will only make you more miserable than you should be. Take rest in Romans 8:28 “…all things (even things that hurt us and things we never expected) work together for good to them that love God…” Even though it doesn’t look like it now, all things are working together for your good.

P.S: Do you know anyone who just became single again? Share this post with them. They’ll be glad you did. xoxo

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