4 Reasons Why You “Fell Out of Love”

I’ll like to start this post by saying that love is a choice, not a feeling. Unfortunately, Hollywood and the media have propagated love as a feeling (that kind of feeling that grips you and you can’t help but surrender). Feelings are unstable, they are triggered by external stimuli; love is a choice to be affectionate and kind to someone. I’m using the phrase “fell out of love” here to mean the end of a relationship. Breaking up is not always an easy thing – especially when it leaves you wondering why it had to come to an end. But if you understand why it had to come to an end, it becomes easier to go through the healing process. What are these reasons?

The relationship was based solely on feelings

Feelings don’t last forever, they come and go. Feelings are triggered by something: maybe looks, physical traits, kindness, gifts etc. Feelings are not necessarily bad but they cannot be the basis of a relationship because they’re not strong enough to hold it together. The same person making you feel mushy today may also make you feel like strangling them tomorrow. That is why love is not a feeling. So, since the feelings grew cold, and the relationship was based on feelings, it came to an end. 

You outgrew each other

For a relationship to last and stand the test of time, both parties must grow individually and grow together. If one party begins to neglect his/her personal growth, it begins to create imbalance. When this happens, instead of growing together, you’re hobbies and preferences begin to change, misunderstanding begins to set in, you no longer blend and you eventually start growing apart. 

You no longer match each other

This is sometimes a product of growing apart. Relationships need a degree of compatibility continuously to be able to last (not alikeness, but compatibility). Not every relationship leads to marriage. People start relationships with the intention and hope that it ends in marriage only to discover that they are not compatible and are therefore not suitable for each other. When this happens, the inevitable is a break up because a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. 

The relationship became too toxic

A good relationship is supposed to enhance your life. A toxic relationship, however, ends up poisoning you and your life in many ways. Sometimes, relationships start out well only to become toxic over time. When this happens, the relationship is gradually eroded until it grinds to a halt. To read more about toxic relationships, click here and here. 

Move on!

Whether the break up was your fault or not, I came to announce to you that it is time to move on with your life. Better days lie ahead of you. Learn from your mistakes, if any. Understand that not every relationship leads to marriage. No matter how you try to force it, if it’s not meant to last, it won’t. Don’t get bitter and angry at life – it will only make you a frustrated and harsh woman which will eventually repel the right man when he comes. Stay joyful, stay focused and trust God to perfect all that concerns you. Enjoy your weekend. xoxo

P:S Do you have any questions or comments about this blogpost? Do you need counsel concerning relationships? Do you have any private issues you want to raise? Would you like to be featured as a guest blogger here? Would you like to advertise with us? Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com 

Evidence Grace is the founder and head-blogger at Sister 2 Sister Nigeria. She's passionate about seeing people get it right in life, destiny and marriage. A woman of many gifts, and talents, she is focused on fulfilling God's purpose for her life, becoming ALL God has fore-ordained her to be and spreading the gospel to the ends of the earth. Her marital status?Keep your fingers crossed.

Follow us on twitter here and like our facebook page here.

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Trust Issues: How Did I Get Here???

A relationship without trust is like a car without tyres; it goes no where.

As I promised yesterday, today’s post is dedicated to those who have discovered that they have trust issues and they’re wondering why they find it so hard to trust. For some people, they’ve always found it difficult to trust for as long as they can remember. For most people with trust issues, their inability to trust in relationships arose at some point in their lives due to certain circumstances/situations. In the same way that a diagnosis + lab tests enables a doctor get to the root cause of an illness, this post will enable you discover the root of your current trust issues so you can get help and be free from it. Below are five factors that lead to an inability to trust in relationships (trust issues).

#1-Your ex cheated on you or ditched you for another person

Unfortunately, despite all the sweet words and promises to love you forever, relationships come to an end sometimes because one party cheated or your beau left you for someone prettier, taller, richer etc. When this happens, it leaves you feeling empty and broken hearted with an inability to trust in subsequent relationships. You become suspicious because you usually feel your new beau may cheat on you or ditch you like your previous beau did.

#2-Low self-esteem

When you have a low self-esteem, you feel you’re not good enough for the one you’re dating and constantly feel threatened when a lady you feel is more endowed than you comes around your beau. This in turn leads you to display some or all of the signs that show you have trust issues (click here to read the 5 signs that show you have trust issues). Self-esteem is definitely something every girl needs for all round stability. (click here to read self-esteem: something every girl needs)

#3-Someone close to you has been mistreated in a relationship

This is actually the major root cause of trust issues. A lot of people currently having trust issues witnessed firsthand someone close to them (such as their parent, sibling, friend etc) mistreated in a relationship by a partner who was unfaithful and untruthful to them. Even though they were not directly affected, watching their loved ones go through such a nasty experience has made them develop a defense mechanism to prevent them suffering what their loved ones suffered. This eventually manifests as a high degree of suspiciousness and an inability to trust.

#4-You have been unfaithful

People who have been unfaithful previously in past relationships tend to be very suspicious of their current partner’s moves because of their guilt and experience at cheating. They’re quick to identify and suspect actions similar to the ones they used when they were unfaithful and this makes it difficult to trust because they feel they’re about to get played.

#5-You’re a pessimist

Pessimists, as we all know, are people who generally look on the darker side in every situation. Pessimists tend to focus on the negative probabilities/what ifs that may occur in a relationship. For instance, when they call their beau and he’s not picking the call, instead of thinking up positive excuses such as “he’s too busy to answer”, “he probably isn’t close to his phone” etc, their mind immediately races to thoughts such as “he’s avoiding my calls because he’s with another lady” etc.

You Need a Total Mindset Renewal

Now you can see the root cause of your inability to trust, it makes it easier to deal with it. Instead of making excuses to justify your trust issues, acknowledge it and receive help instead. Let go of all that has happened in the past and discard that suspicious mindset. Give everyone you meet the benefit of the doubt. Stop making Paul pay for the sins of Peter; quit judging everyone you meet by past experiences. Allow them to reveal themselves by their actions and treat them accordingly. Speak with a counselor; ask someone to hold hands and agree with you in prayer. Make up your mind to learn to trust again and gradually, your ability to trust will be restored. Your present beau should not suffer for the sins of the jerks that hurt you in the past. Let go of all your insecurities and receive healing so you can enjoy your current relationship. xoxo                                                                                      

P.S- You can now subscribe to follow this blog via email to get new posts on the blog in your inbox. If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help. 

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Now That You’re Married-Make It Work

Nothing works out by chance; someone has to work it out. Make it work!!!

Congratulations to all the newly-weds and couples reading this. You’re living the reality of what most singles dream and wish for. The more they (single people) see you, the more they pray to be in your shoes. However, with the high rate of divorce these days, it sometimes gets the singles wondering and skeptical of toeing that line. When you got married to your spouse, I’m quite sure that you were all smiles, making those vows, hoping the fairy tale experience of the wedding would never end. When you buy a brand new car, it looks really great; but it’s how you handle and maintain that car that will determine if it will look great and not pack-up in the years to come. The same thing applies to your marriage: you have to make it work. It’s not enough to get married, it takes extra-work to stay married and I mean happily married.

Marital Adjustment Is Important

http://psychologicaldictionary.org defines marital adjustment as the process during which partners in a marriage adapt and change to their new roles in order to complement each other and function as a team. This process ought to start after tying the knot and is widely accepted by psychologists as one of the factors crucial to the stability, sweetness and success of a marriage. Now the two big questions are: have you adjusted to your new status as a married person and are you adjusting to your spouse’s personality daily? 

Yes, your status changed on paper and you probably have a ring on your finger, but are you acting in line with the demands of your new role? There are patterns of behaviour that were tolerable when you were single but will ruin your marriage if you don’t let them go. Such things include discussing details of your marriage that should be kept secret with your “friends”, taking huge/serious decisions especially with regards to your career &finances without consulting your spouse, insisting on having your way all the time, doing things only when you feel like it and many more. Ahn! Ahn! Your new status as a married person does not permit these. Staying out late unnecessarily and having strange friends of the opposite sex indiscriminately will only land you into trouble with your spouse. Don’t be a married person living like a single person; it will gradually ruin your marriage.

Study your spouse, find out what they like, how they like it, what makes them hurt or angry and how they act when hurt or angry. Discover what they like in bed and see how you can bring it on; discover their soft and hot buttons and everything about their personality and temperament and see how you can adjust positively. Find out their love language and speak it. 

Do Everything You Can

Upgrade your looks and your skills all round. Have a regular check to be sure there are no weeds of bitterness, nasty behaviours, unforgiveness and taking each other for granted growing in your relationship. Don’t forget to pray over you, your spouse and your marriage because when men pray, God acts. If people go to the extent of getting “juju” to make their marriages work, why can’t you get yours by “getting God”? Check to see if your communication with each other is not broken and reduced to talks about the kids and what happened at work alone. Take time out of your busy schedule to spend exclusive time with your spouse. If you keep putting the blame on how busy you are, you’ll wake up one day and discover that you guys have become two strangers living as housemates. Just like you regularly check your tyres, your engine oil and the fuel level of your car so you can change or refill them, check yourself and your relationship with your spouse to see what you can do to improve things. It’s quite crazy the attention we give to our cars and jobs to ensure they’re in top shape only to ignore our spouses and marriages. 

Your kids need your marriage to work, last and be sweet; set a good example for them by being the reason they want to get married. As you make your bed, so you’ll like on it. Beds don’t make themselves; people do! Quit complaining the bed isn’t made, quit complaining your marriage is not sweet anymore; make your bed; make your marriage work. The attention you give to making it work will yield a beautiful harvest for you to enjoy. Check out other things that won’t be helpful to your marriage here and here.

P.S- Good News: You can now subscribe to follow this blog via email to get new posts on the blog in your inbox. If you’re reading this from a mobile device, click view web version to see the wonderful features of the blog that are exclusive to the desk-top version. Have a sweet week.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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4 People in Your Man’s Life You Need on Your Side

Love alone is not enough; you need wisdom to sustain and maintain every relationship.

TGIF!!! It’s another Friday and even though I may not be going to some fun place this weekend, just knowing that the weekend is here always creates this feel-good feeling. Aha! I know you’re soooo in love with him and you feel like nothing can come between both of you because of the love you feel. You feel like your love can surmount any obstacles that could ever come your way. All you need is him and all he needs is you…  But in reality, there are four people in your man’s life who you need to get on your side if your relationship or marriage must go smoothly without unnecessary strain here and there. And these people are:

His Mum

Should I shout this or scream this for you to understand? His mum is the number one female in his life and what she says weighs tonnes in the ears of your man. She gave birth to him and nurtured him till this point. She is one strong ally you need for your relationship to last. Why? When she’s on your side, she’ll see to it that he doesn’t bring any other woman home and she’ll rally round the other family members to support you. She’ll encourage him to treat you right and even marry you, emphasizing how much of an angel you are. And when you quarrel, she’ll encourage and prod him to reconcile with you. Also, she knows things about him that you may not presently know and she could give you more tips on how to handle him.

His Favorite Female Sibling(s)

After his mum, another strong ally you need on your side is his favorite female sibling e.g his sister or cousin. I’m talking about that sibling he loves so much whose words, opinion and counsel he values. Why? He’s most definitely going to ask them what they think or feel about you and if they’re on your side, they help reinforce his feelings for you by letting him know how blessed he is to have you. If they’re not on your side, all they’ll point out when he asks them what they think of you are your flaws and all the reasons why you’re not good enough for him.

His Best Buddy

I’m sure he has a lot of buddies as you’ve come to know, but if you know him well enough, you’ll know that there’s one out of them who he considers to be his best buddie. I’m talking about that one friend whose counsel and opinion he values and to whom he runs when he’s got a few issues and needs help. You need to have a cordial relationship with this buddy of his. Why? When he’s on your side, you’re no longer just his friend’s girl/wife but “our girl/wife” so when they’re out, he’ll defend your cause before eager, seductive, man-hunting females and gladly let them know he’s taken or married.

His Pastor or Mentor

His pastor or mentor plays a huge role in his life too especially with regards to his future pursuit. Your man most likely values his pastor/mentor’s counsel and though this does not determine his love for you, it will affect any future steps he may intend to make with you (especially with regards to marriage).

The Ball is Now in Your Court

Yes dear, the ball is now in your court. Proverbs 13:15 says “Good understanding wins favour…” Nothing just happens; favour doesn’t just come, how you behave towards these people also affects if they will treat you with favour or not. You need to consciously and prayerfully seek their favour if your relationship with him must last and experience minimal troubles. “Who cares? I don’t need them anyways. We love each other and that’s all that matters”, goes the thought in your heart. Girl, that’s a very naïve thinking and that can only be possible if he doesn’t have this four classes of people in his life or if he has no regard for them. These people are the key players in your man’s life and just like pulling off any deal requires the support of key players, you require them to be on your side. Ask any mature married female and she’ll give you a better picture of what I mean. The good news is, with God on your side, prayers and wisdom plus good behavior, it’s a win-win for you all the way. You know why you need God? Because “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he causes even his enemies (those who dislike him) to be at peace with him” (proverbs 16:7). Addios bebes!

P:S: If you’re a guy reading this, the people in your girl’s life you need on your side are her parents, her siblings, the people whose opinion and counsel she values, and most especially, her pastor/mentor. Have a fulfilling weekend.

Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

Follow us on twitter @sister2sisterni and like our facebook page here.