How to Spot THE MAN 2

MAN TO WOMAN

Today, on our column MAN TO WOMAN,  which is all about getting a man's perspective on different issues that have to do with women, Paul Aliyu shares 6 more tips on how to spot the man. Juicy tips, I tell you. Read and share with someone around you. 

How to Spot THE MAN 2
Written by Paul Aliyu

This post is a sequel to an earlier post on the same topic. Today, our guest blogger Paul Aliyu shares 6 more ways to spot the man God has for you. To read the previous post, click here. This is one blogpost you need to save on your phone, print out and read it to the point that it sinks into your spirit and your mind. Another thing, do a sister a favour and share this with her. Happy reading.

7. He should be matured enough to recognize you as the “BONE OF HIS BONE” and the “FLESH OF HIS FLESH”
A man that cannot see you as the bone of his bone and the flesh of his flesh is not fit for you. Such a man is unhealthy for you. A man that sees you as the bone of his bone and the flesh of his flesh will not take advantage of you. He will not see you as a woman to be used and dumped. He will not treat you as a slave or maid. He will understand that you both are one. He will understand that existing without you is like living without life itself. He will show and prove to you that you complete him. He will place so much value on you and know you are meant for him without a doubt.
Until he is able to portray all this to you, then understand that he is not mature enough for you and he lacks understanding that you are God’s will for His life.

A man is called the GROOM on the wedding day because he must have GROOMED himself to understand that you are sent to him by God. His spiritual senses should be sound enough to know and differentiate when the Spirit of God is speaking from when emotion and flesh is speaking. By so doing, you will know when he is from God. It also means that your spiritual senses should also be activated. Don’t be driven by emotions but by the Spirit of God.

8. He should be ready to leave his father and mother and cleave to you as his wife
If he is not ready to leave his father and mother, and cleave to you as his wife, it shows he is not a man yet a man but a big boy. He is not ready for marriage yet. The man for you should be matured enough to make good decisions and handle things on his own that will benefit and profit his wife and the family you are both planning to raise. Don’t get me wrong! I am not saying he shouldn’t seek for counsel sometimes, but he should not be a man that runs to Dad, Mum or friends over every small issue in the relationship or home before making decisions on what to do. If he is that type of a man, I’m sorry to inform you that you are dating an “Omo Mummy (Mummy’s Boy).” I advise you give him some more time to stay behind with his parents and take some more milk (and maybe chew some more bones according to Apostle Paul) before considering marriage.

To cleave means that he understands that as his spouse, you are also a major contributor to every decision process in the house. It means he understands that nothing can be done without involving you as his wife. It also means that he understands that you are his partner and nothing goes forward without your contribution. He gives you room when you want to contribute to his life, vision and the family. He should be a man that values your contribution no matter how minute.
Attention! - With respect to this, every woman should endeavor to grow with her spouse. Bridge the gap between you both so that your contributions can commensurate the now. Try not to be outdated. Update yourself with time!

9. He will not be ashamed of you
A man that is meant for you will not be ashamed of you no matter your vulnerability, weakness, flaws, mistakes, etc. You know he is the man for you when he decides to live with you as his spouse despite all your flaws, and to help you with your weaknesses, help you overcome your fears, correct your mistakes in love and humility, and bring out the best in you. Rather than taking advantage of your flaws, he will seek to use that opportunity to mentor and bring out the best in you. He will see the POTENTIALS rather than the ERRORS or DEFFICIENCIES.

10. He will be ready to wait
The man for you will not be in a rush concerning anything (even sex) except he is in doubt or he isn’t sure you are meant for each other. If he is the one, he will be ready to WAIT. The big question is: if he waited all this while till he found you, what more does it cost him to wait patiently till he makes you his (you get married)??? A man that cannot be patient with you now will not be patient with you after marriage. If he is not ready to wait, let him go; and if he is in doubt, then he is not the man for you.
NOTE: At same time, don’t keep him waiting for too long. If you have prayed and you are sure he is the one for you, go ahead. Delay at times can be dangerous! Avoid unnecessary delay.

11. He will bring you closer to God
You must understand that “whatever is from God returns to God.” Relationships or homes are built by God. Seek and desire a man that will always pull you closer to God. Such a relationship will always lean on God for anything and when God is involve, anything can be resolved. When a man is from God (i.e. he is God’s will), he will always seek for God’s will to be done. You cannot accomplish God’s will outside God. A man from God will support and encourage anything that concerns and represents God in your life and relationship.

12. He will make you be at peace, and feel loved and valued
The gift God gives makes rich and adds no sorrow (Proverbs 10:22). The right man will always make you be at peace, secure, loved and convinced in your heart that he’s the one for you. But remember that, “all that glitters is not gold.” As convincing as it may seem, make sure you do it prayerfully and not out of emotions or desperation. The man for you will make you feel valued, loved and peaceful, and priced before his family and friends.

Prepare Yourself Now!!!
A popular Nigerian pidgin idiom goes thus “better soup, na money kill am” meaning “soup that is delicious is the result of the MONEY SPENT on it.” It is also often said that, “nothing good comes easy.”… It is so unfortunate in this present generation that we all want to sleep and wake up the next day with all our needs already served on the table (the already-made generation). Nobody wants to work for anything anymore. We are now in an age where we all want the soup to be super DELICIOUS but we’re not ready to SPEND THE MONEY (as well as time, study, sacrifices, prayers, etc) required. Good things don’t just come; they are worked/prepared for. So also, people now want to dream and wake up the next day and discover their ‘God-sent’ Spouse. It does not work like that; God is not a Magician! “Your PREPARATION will determine HOW WELL you will PASS that EXAMINATION.” Don’t just pray for the right man, BECOME THE RIGHT WOMAN. Work on yourself and on your character so you can become the right woman. Don’t you know that THE MAN also has expectations of what he wants in his wife??? If he can’t see those things in you, he will not make you his wife. May God expand everything you’ve learnt so far and show you how to spot the right man for you and how to become the right woman in Jesus name.

P:S Did you enjoy this post? Were you enlightened by it? Share it with someone around you.

Keep a date with us next WEEK on MAN TO WOMAN as we share a new juicy topic. What will it be? Keep your fingers crossed to find out. 

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Paul E. Aliyu is a young man who is passionate about God and the things of God. He is a missionary who has been in the mission field in Tanzania and is always willing to yield to the leading of the Holy Spirit. He is passionate about inspiring progress and bringing out the best in youths. What's more, he's single!

Follow us on twitter here and like our facebook page here. 



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Setting the Right Boundaries When Dating

It is the boundaries you set that protect you when you can’t protect yourself.

Warning: This post is for those who are of age and are in a relationship or about to get into one; those who wish to maintain sexual purity in a relationship for one reason or the other. You may or may not agree with what is contained in this post but it is in your interest to read it. If you read it with an open heart instead of a closed mind, you will gain a lot. In all, time will prove the truth of these words; the truth is still the truth, whether you think it’s true or not. If I sound too explicit here, pardon me; all I’m doing is trying to pass across a message.

Hehehehe! I wasn’t trying to scare you or go all spooky on you; just wanted to prepare you for what you’re about to read. First things first; what are boundaries? In the context of this blogpost, “boundaries” here means benchmarks you shouldn’t cross in a relationship if you intend to maintain sexual purity. A lot of people enter into relationships with the “no-sex” boundary; as in, there will be no sex in the relationship until marriage (da kind thing). By the “no-sex” rule, they mean there will be no “penetration” in the relationship. On the surface, this looks like the coolest of all boundaries you can have in a relationship; but in reality, it is the weakest of all boundaries! Why do I say so? Because most of the people who started with the “no-sex before marriage” rule eventually ended up breaking it with time. If you intend to maintain sexual purity while dating, here’s what your boundary should entail:

Boundary 1: No Kissing

When I say kissing, I’m referring to what you would call a “French kiss”. Shout out to all my kissers in the house that would give up anything except kissing in a relationship…I know this sounds brutal but please hear me out first. It always starts out with an “innocent kiss” and then “one thing led to another” and then they did it. If you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity in your relationship, your boundaries should begin with no kissing instead of no sex. This is because that so called “simple” act of kissing is actually the trigger that pulls the gun that eventually lands you in bed together after you’ve “lost control” and one thing has led to another. You may claim kissing is just an act of affection and showing someone you love them; you may even claim that you’ve kissed many times before and it didn’t lead to sex. But the truth is that each time you kiss, your self control is dropped a notch lower, hormones that prepare you for sex are released repeatedly, the fire of your libido is increased, and if you keep it at it, you will eventually break the “no sex rule”, I guarantee you that. Then, you’ll wake up one day and wonder how you got to where you are. Check it out; when you first started your kissing game, it would last for a few minutes; then it graduated to a few more minutes and then all the hand movements started rolling in. See baa, the bottom line is this; the no sex rule works best when the no kissing rule is in place; that is if you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity. 

Boundary 2: No Unnecessary Hang Outs in Enclosed Spaces

The emphasis here is on the word “unnecessary”, “enclosed spaces/rooms”, and may I add “sleep overs”. This is a boundary you need to establish as you advance in the relationship. Why? Because as you advance, your familiarity level and comfortable-in-each-others-presence level increases, which is actually a good thing. However, if this boundary is not in place, it could land you in a situation you never expected. Let me remind you that you are attracted to the person you’re dating and there’s a level of chemistry between you two right now (unfortunately, it doesn’t wait till you get married to surface). I know you also have self control and you “know yourself” (believe me, I feel you on this one). But the truth is everyone has “weak moments” and all the enemy of your soul needs is one weak moment, the existing attraction/chemistry between you two and the right environment/situations to set you up and succeed. Yeah, yeah, I know; you’ve tried it before and nothing happened baa? Wait till you try it in a weak moment and see what happens.

Boundary 3: No Confused Friendships with the Opposite Sex

The emphasis here is on the phrase “confused friendships”. Let me first state that there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you have and know your boundaries: friends, not friends with benefits (except that’s your reason for the friendship). You can’t be successfully be friends with someone you have feelings for or you’re attracted to who is also attracted to you or likesssssss you; that is called setting yourself up. Except you set boundary 2 and keep it in place, you will end up in something you never expected and detest yourself and your friend for it.

Boundary 4: Watch What You See and Think

As harmless as it seems, what you see, watch, read and think is also important. The garbage in, garbage out principle applies here. You can’t be feeding your soul and thoughts with materials of explicit sexual content continuously and not have cracks in your self control. It may be as “small” as reading a few EXPLICIT romance novels, looking at a few pictures or romantic/sexual scenes and imagining stuff, fantasizing about kissing and smooching and all that stuff. But these are the little things that puncture your self control by stirring up sexual oriented desires in you unconsciously that set you up later. Ever watched a romantic scene or read a romantic novel and faintly wished you were the one or experienced stirrings within you? That’s what I’m talking about. How else did you come to think that kissing and romance should be part of a relationship? Wasn’t it from what you saw on TV and the things you read???

Oh Men! I Don’t Like These Boundaries

Yea! I feel you; these boundaries will apparently cramp your style shey? That’s why they are boundaries for those who really wanna remain sexually pure while dating. Provs 6:27 says “can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?” I say, can a man pull the trigger of a loaded gun at himself and not be shot/wounded? When it comes to maintaining sexual purity, the wisest book on earth says FLEE; [flee every appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22); flee fornication (1Cor 6:18)]. The problem is instead of fleeing away, most times, we’re either fleeing to it, negotiating with it, and forming self-control, macho, I-can-handle-it and I-know-myself until the deed is done. 

Make em’, Keep em’

Making these boundaries is the first, step; keeping them is the next and important step. By strength shall no man prevail; it takes the grace of God and the Holy Spirit (the spirit of self control) to keep them. God will not zip up your trousers, tie your skirt around your waist, stop you from entering secluded places or stop you from kissing but when you set these boundaries, and ask for his grace, he will empower you to keep them. Remember Isaiah 59:19 – “when the enemy shall come in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him”? It is the standards you raise that the Holy Spirit will use to preserve you when the enemy comes like a flood to sweep you off your feet. Do your part by setting the right boundaries and keeping to them and he will do his part by supplying the ability to keep them.

Did you enjoy this post? Do you have more useful tips on this topic? Feel free to leave your views in the comment section.

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Are you at a crossroad? Do you need advice or counsel on lady issues, relationship matters and life in general?  E-mail me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com and I’ll be glad to help.

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12 Signs You’re Not Ready For Marriage PT 2

This is a sequel to a post I did months ago on this blog. In the previous post, I shared the first six signs that show you’re not ready for marriage and today, I’ll be sharing the remaining six signs. To view the first part of this blogpost, click here. Without much ado, let’s dive into it.

#7- You’re not Ready to Take S**t

 You remember all those rantings of yours that sound like this “I’m not going to take s**t from anyone oooo” and “if my husband/wife tries that eh, I’ll beat the hell out of him/her or give it to him fire for fire”? Those things are what single people say until they get married and discover that to stay married, you have to learn to be tolerant and that involves putting up with a lot of s**t from your spouse, in-laws and even your kids. No one is perfect on this side of the universe, everybody comes with a dose of s**t that they dish out from time to time. People who are ready to get married learn to live with such.

#8- You’re Waiting for A Perfect Man

Oya ooo, no shoot me abeg. I know you want to find the man that is perfect for you but that is different from wanting to find a perfect man. There is no perfect man or woman anywhere, waiting to find one will have you waiting for eternity. Everyone, as good as they are, comes with weaknesses and if you take them, you must take them with both their good and not so good sides. In case you’ve forgotten, you’re not perfect yourself.

#9- You’re Not Ready to be Responsible

Why do you think they use the phrase “settle down” to refer to marriage? Because marriage is for mature people and it requires you being responsible. You’ve got to be ready to have and raise kids, handle the bills and attend to all the responsibilities that come with marriage. It’s not enough to be called the man or woman of the house, you gotta act like one. Your spouse, kids, family and even in-laws start looking up to you when you get married and you gotta be prepared to act accordingly.

#10- Not Ready To Be Faithful

Now this one is a biggie. One of the core demands of marriage is faithfulness. No one likes their spouse cheating on them. If you’re planning to have your cake and eat it in marriage by being unfaithful then you’re definitely not ready for marriage. And before you start complaining about how hard it is to stay married to the same person for life and be faithful, ask those who have gone ahead of you and they’ll give you useful tips.

#11- Not Ready To Be Open

If you’re planning to get married and not be open, you’ll be starting on a wrong footing. While you may want to cite stories of people who tried to be open to their spouses and it only brought trouble, why not focus on your life and leave other peoples ish alone instead. It is in your power while dating/courting to learn how to be open and encourage your would-be spouse to be open. It is only people who have and intend to have more skeletons in their cupboard that go into marriage seeking to hide stuff and keep secrets.

#12- You Have Trust Issues and Can’t Control Your Jealousy 

No relationship or marriage can succeed where trust is broken. If you have trust issues, get the needed help so you can learn to trust again. All that excessive display of jealousy will only weary out whoever you’re with. You can’t tie your spouse down in marriage or stop him/her from relating with the oppose sex. You guys will have to move to Mars or Jupiter where there is no other human being. The ability to trust and control your jealousy is a hallmark of maturity that you must have for a successful marriage.

Voila! C’est fini! Now that you’ve read all the twelve signs that show that you’re not ready for marriage, do some soul searching to remove the beam in your eyes while I do likewise. God help us all.

P.S: Stinginess is when you read this and refuse to share it with those you know. Foolishness is when you read it and don’t apply it to your life. Wickedness is when you don’t tell someone how much you’ve been blessed so far by this blog. And I know you’re not stingy, foolish or wicked. Xoxo

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Man Check: Is he who you think he is???

Shout out to all the wonderful people reading this post. See y’all in the month of May.

And the beautiful month of April comes to an end…I do hope the month was nice to you. Today, I’m doing the second part to a post I did days ago titled Man Check: Do you have a check list. It’s actually meant for those who are in a relationship or about to go into one to do a routine check on the man they’re dating. Today, we’re doing a routine check to be double sure he is who you think he is. Why? Because you don’t want to go into marriage thinking you’re with Angel Johnny only to wake up and discover you just married Demon Johnny, lol, your worst nightmare.

Have you ever fallen into a pot-hole or gutter before you, not because you were blind, but because you were gisting with someone, talking on the phone, thinking of something else or because it was dark and you had no flash light? Yes, right? Now I’ll like to ask a question. Did you fall because you were blind? Of course not. Your eyes were functioning properly but some other factors prevented you from seeing well enough so you entered the pit. In the same way, no one deliberately wants to date or marry Demon Johnny. They usually pick him thinking he’s Angel Johnny only to discover he’s something else. So today, I’ll be giving you a few pointers to use in checking if he is who you think he is.

Pointer 1: His Friends

Who are those he calls his friends? Who does he listen to, confide in, run to when in trouble and take advice from? Whether we admit it or not, the friends we keep influence us a lot, so a wise person ought to choose his/her friends wisely. We may argue that we’re not easily influenced but it is a proven fact that evil company corrupts good manners. No one chooses when or how to be influenced, but we can choose who influences us. If your man has friends who you’re not comfortable with because they have vices, you should be concerned. For instance, if he has friends who constantly drink, womanise, cheat on or beat up their girl friends/wives, and he’s comfortable with them, those are danger signs. All it takes is for them to steadily keep cajoling him and for both of you to have a squabble in the relationship and he’ll be walking down that road in no time. What about those he hangs out with regularly? Even if he doesn’t call them his friends, the fact that he spends time with them regularly opens him to their influence. What’s the bottom line, you know a lot about him when you watch the company he keeps.

Pointer 2: His Version of “Unwinding”

Where does he go to when he wants to unwind? What does he do if he wants to unwind? I’m not here to condemn any one’s version of unwinding but if what he does to unwind is not in line with who he is or who he says he is, you gotta watch closely. If his version of unwinding is strip clubs and he says he’s a Christian or he’s God-fearing or whatever, you better wake up. Girl, he’s just a church-goer. A God-fearing man wouldn’t have that on his list of how to unwind not to talk of actually going there.

Pointer 3: The Way He Treats Sub-Ordinates, His Siblings and His Mother

This is a veeeeery huge pointer. If your Mr. Lovey-dovey treats people under him with inhumane actions and nastiness without provocation, if he treats his siblings too harshly all the time or treats his mother harshly, disrespectfully, and doesn’t show her love, its points to very deep things. It shows he’s actually a harsh man and all that lovey-dovey he’s showing you are just an act to get you. It’s only a matter of time (when he eventually gets too familiar with you) and you’ll start seeing his harsh side. Also, the way he treats house keepers, waiters, and people beneath his status who do menial jobs for him tells you if he’s arrogant, bossy, dehumanizing etc.

Pointer 4: His Anger

Everyone gets angry. Everyone feels like beating or strangling people when angry. But guess what, not everyone kills people when angry. Why? Mature people learn to handle and control their anger. If he’s always quick to fly into a rage and can’t seem to control his anger with people around him, you should be concerned. There is no way you will hang with him and not get him angry someday. Can you endure such angry outbursts? He may be treating you like an angel now but what will you do when the demon of his anger descends on him and he beats you up claiming “it was the devil”?

Pointer 5: Random Statements He Makes

Oh yes, you can discover a lot about the man you’re dating from the random statements he makes. I’m talking about those unplanned statements he makes in unguarded moments like “My wife won’t work o! I don’t want her to suffer” or, “I don’t want a career woman” or “If my wife ever tries that, I’ll beat her black and blue” or “I don’t want a woman who wears ……., fixes ….., uses ….. I want a woman who is natural” etc. Of course he’s entitled to his opinion and preferences and who are we to deprive him of that but these unguarded statements are pointers to the deep volcano rumbling within his personality.

Pointer 6: His Beliefs and Values

I’m not referring to the cultural beliefs and values of the place he comes from. He may be from a particular place but may not accept some aspects of the cultures and values of his people. I’m talking about his personal beliefs and values. What beliefs and cultural values does he hold dear? What are the things that mean the most to him? You can tell these from the random statements he makes, as I earlier mentioned.

Pointer 7: Is He Submitted To God?

I had wanted to tag this pointer “his relationship with God” but I felt it would create some confusion and probably mislead you, so I chose “Is he submitted to God instead”. I’m not asking if he goes to church, prays, fasts, sees visions, prophesies, speaks in tongues, is born again etc. I’m referring to someone whose life is submitted to God, who allows the word and spirit of God direct and rule his life. Why? You can never go wrong with someone who is submitted to God. How do you know he’s submitted to God? From the steps he takes and how he takes them. Or have you forgotten that it is written, by their fruits, you shall know them?

So What Next?

Now you’ve read all these pointers, use them to do the necessary check on the man in your life and be sure he’s who you think he is. The ball is now in your court. Like I said in the first sequel of the post series titled "Man Check", if you’re just dating him for dating sake, you may not need what all these. But if you intend to take the relationship to the next level, probably switch gears to courtship/marriage, then you should do some serious man check.

P.S: Thanks so much for reading. Don’t forget to share this post with all the pips in your life. Happy New Month. See ya in the month of May. Xoxoxoxoxoxo

Stinginess is when you read this and refuse to share it with those you know. Foolishness is when you read it and don’t apply it to your life. Wickedness is when you don’t tell someone how much you’ve been blessed so far by this blog. And I know you’re not stingy, foolish or wicked.

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