Setting the Right Boundaries When Dating

It is the boundaries you set that protect you when you can’t protect yourself.

Warning: This post is for those who are of age and are in a relationship or about to get into one; those who wish to maintain sexual purity in a relationship for one reason or the other. You may or may not agree with what is contained in this post but it is in your interest to read it. If you read it with an open heart instead of a closed mind, you will gain a lot. In all, time will prove the truth of these words; the truth is still the truth, whether you think it’s true or not. If I sound too explicit here, pardon me; all I’m doing is trying to pass across a message.

Hehehehe! I wasn’t trying to scare you or go all spooky on you; just wanted to prepare you for what you’re about to read. First things first; what are boundaries? In the context of this blogpost, “boundaries” here means benchmarks you shouldn’t cross in a relationship if you intend to maintain sexual purity. A lot of people enter into relationships with the “no-sex” boundary; as in, there will be no sex in the relationship until marriage (da kind thing). By the “no-sex” rule, they mean there will be no “penetration” in the relationship. On the surface, this looks like the coolest of all boundaries you can have in a relationship; but in reality, it is the weakest of all boundaries! Why do I say so? Because most of the people who started with the “no-sex before marriage” rule eventually ended up breaking it with time. If you intend to maintain sexual purity while dating, here’s what your boundary should entail:

Boundary 1: No Kissing

When I say kissing, I’m referring to what you would call a “French kiss”. Shout out to all my kissers in the house that would give up anything except kissing in a relationship…I know this sounds brutal but please hear me out first. It always starts out with an “innocent kiss” and then “one thing led to another” and then they did it. If you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity in your relationship, your boundaries should begin with no kissing instead of no sex. This is because that so called “simple” act of kissing is actually the trigger that pulls the gun that eventually lands you in bed together after you’ve “lost control” and one thing has led to another. You may claim kissing is just an act of affection and showing someone you love them; you may even claim that you’ve kissed many times before and it didn’t lead to sex. But the truth is that each time you kiss, your self control is dropped a notch lower, hormones that prepare you for sex are released repeatedly, the fire of your libido is increased, and if you keep it at it, you will eventually break the “no sex rule”, I guarantee you that. Then, you’ll wake up one day and wonder how you got to where you are. Check it out; when you first started your kissing game, it would last for a few minutes; then it graduated to a few more minutes and then all the hand movements started rolling in. See baa, the bottom line is this; the no sex rule works best when the no kissing rule is in place; that is if you’re serious about maintaining sexual purity. 

Boundary 2: No Unnecessary Hang Outs in Enclosed Spaces

The emphasis here is on the word “unnecessary”, “enclosed spaces/rooms”, and may I add “sleep overs”. This is a boundary you need to establish as you advance in the relationship. Why? Because as you advance, your familiarity level and comfortable-in-each-others-presence level increases, which is actually a good thing. However, if this boundary is not in place, it could land you in a situation you never expected. Let me remind you that you are attracted to the person you’re dating and there’s a level of chemistry between you two right now (unfortunately, it doesn’t wait till you get married to surface). I know you also have self control and you “know yourself” (believe me, I feel you on this one). But the truth is everyone has “weak moments” and all the enemy of your soul needs is one weak moment, the existing attraction/chemistry between you two and the right environment/situations to set you up and succeed. Yeah, yeah, I know; you’ve tried it before and nothing happened baa? Wait till you try it in a weak moment and see what happens.

Boundary 3: No Confused Friendships with the Opposite Sex

The emphasis here is on the phrase “confused friendships”. Let me first state that there is nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex as long as you have and know your boundaries: friends, not friends with benefits (except that’s your reason for the friendship). You can’t be successfully be friends with someone you have feelings for or you’re attracted to who is also attracted to you or likesssssss you; that is called setting yourself up. Except you set boundary 2 and keep it in place, you will end up in something you never expected and detest yourself and your friend for it.

Boundary 4: Watch What You See and Think

As harmless as it seems, what you see, watch, read and think is also important. The garbage in, garbage out principle applies here. You can’t be feeding your soul and thoughts with materials of explicit sexual content continuously and not have cracks in your self control. It may be as “small” as reading a few EXPLICIT romance novels, looking at a few pictures or romantic/sexual scenes and imagining stuff, fantasizing about kissing and smooching and all that stuff. But these are the little things that puncture your self control by stirring up sexual oriented desires in you unconsciously that set you up later. Ever watched a romantic scene or read a romantic novel and faintly wished you were the one or experienced stirrings within you? That’s what I’m talking about. How else did you come to think that kissing and romance should be part of a relationship? Wasn’t it from what you saw on TV and the things you read???

Oh Men! I Don’t Like These Boundaries

Yea! I feel you; these boundaries will apparently cramp your style shey? That’s why they are boundaries for those who really wanna remain sexually pure while dating. Provs 6:27 says “can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?” I say, can a man pull the trigger of a loaded gun at himself and not be shot/wounded? When it comes to maintaining sexual purity, the wisest book on earth says FLEE; [flee every appearance of evil (1 Thess 5:22); flee fornication (1Cor 6:18)]. The problem is instead of fleeing away, most times, we’re either fleeing to it, negotiating with it, and forming self-control, macho, I-can-handle-it and I-know-myself until the deed is done. 

Make em’, Keep em’

Making these boundaries is the first, step; keeping them is the next and important step. By strength shall no man prevail; it takes the grace of God and the Holy Spirit (the spirit of self control) to keep them. God will not zip up your trousers, tie your skirt around your waist, stop you from entering secluded places or stop you from kissing but when you set these boundaries, and ask for his grace, he will empower you to keep them. Remember Isaiah 59:19 – “when the enemy shall come in like a flood, the spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him”? It is the standards you raise that the Holy Spirit will use to preserve you when the enemy comes like a flood to sweep you off your feet. Do your part by setting the right boundaries and keeping to them and he will do his part by supplying the ability to keep them.

Did you enjoy this post? Do you have more useful tips on this topic? Feel free to leave your views in the comment section.

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5 Side Effects of Casual Sex You Don’t Know

The choices, decisions and steps we take affect us in more ways than we can imagine.

I’m pretty sure you know a lot of side effects of casual sex (whether protected or unprotected) but I guarantee you that what you’re about to read may not be what you think. Everything on thing on the earth has effects which could be positive or negative. The term “side effects” is usually used for things that have a positive effect alongside certain negative, uncomfortable or unpleasant effects. Aside from catching HIV/AIDS, STDs and the likes, unwanted pregnancies and so on, there are other side effects of casual sex which you may not be aware of and yours truly has taken it upon her to share them with you. Fasten your seatbelt as we take a trip through discovery land.

Side Effect #1 – Soul Tie

What is a soul tie? A brand of ties? A tie that the soul wears? Lol, capital NO. A soul tie is actually the bond created between two souls, usually created via sex (definition mine). Sex creates a bond that is different from other kinds of bond (e.g. the bond between friends, family etc)-a spiritual bond between two souls; a soul tie. This is great in marriage because it bonds spouses who are committed to each other together. But in any other scenario, it becomes a hazard because it keeps you bonded to past lovers you’ve long separated from such that it is easier to fall into the temptation to sleep with an ex-lover, even when the relationship has long ended. With each soul tie created, you lose a part of you to that sex partner and gain a part of the person. The more soul ties you create, the more you lose bits of yourself and gain bits of others until you get to that point where you wonder how you acquired all these habits/mannerisms that were not there at the beginning.

Side Effect #2 – An Increased Libido

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Yea bebe, this is another side effect of casual sex. No one is created a sex maniac from the beginning. We all start out as virgins with a little sexual appetite until the steps we take or the things we experience get us to the point where we become sex addicts. I’m talking about that point where you just can’t do without sex and if there’s no one to “relieve you”, you “help yourself” *wink*. With each sex partner you add to your life, your libido keeps increasing till it gets out of control.

Side Effect #3 – Lack of Self Control

This side effect is a product of side effect two. Little drops of water they say make an ocean. With each casual sex experience (or should I say experiment), one vital thing lost in the process is self-control and a whole lot of it for that matter.  And like I said before, you also gain something: an increased libido.

Side Effect #4 – Disregard for the Opposite Sex

Ahn, aside from all the heart break and stuff people do which cause us to disregard the opposite sex, casual sex also has the same effect. You lose respect for the opposite sex and begin to say things like “they’re all the same” and the likes. You also develop an “everybody is doing it” mindset toward sex and the opposite sex in general.

Side Effect #5 – Inability to Trust

Obviously, this side effect is a product of side effect four. As you begin to lose respect for the opposite sex, you also lose the ability to trust because it is now engrained in your mind that “they’re all the same and cannot be trusted”. So, you find it difficult to trust eventually especially when you enter into a serious relationship.

Turn the Lights Up!

Hehehehe! I do believe with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince and not confuse you that… Don’t mind me jor. I hope that a light bulb has been switched on in your head because of this post. If you’re presently a victim of any or all of these side effects, don’t feel bad; there’s hope for you. Just like there is a remedy for the itchiness that is the side effect of the old malaria drug “chloroquine”, there is a remedy for these side effects. With the help of God and his grace, you can overcome all these and have these side effects reversed. He’s done it for many before; he can do it again for you if you’ll only reach out for his help. Xoxo

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