Getting the Best Out of Your Man

 A well is useless only if you don’t have what it takes to draw out the water.

My pipo! I greet una oooooooooo. Hope say this 2015 dey make sense for una well well. Api new month. Dis month, I pray say you go march on top everything wey bin dey march you befor in Jesus name. (Pidgin mode deactivated)

Today’s post is dedicated to those who have a man in their life, whether married or single. If you don’t have a man in your life, no kwalms; you can still learn a thing or two from it and store it up for future purposes. It’s one thing to have a man; it’s a totally different thing to know how to get the best from him by drawing out the well of virtue within him. If you don’t know how to do this, you will end up like one who has a high-tech smart phone that can do lots of things but only ends up making only phone calls with it simply because she doesn’t know how to use it. Here are a few tips that will enable you get the best from your man. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, the same thing applies if you want to get the best from your woman.

Let Go of all Pre-Conceived Notions about Men

We all have pre-conceived notions about the opposite sex which we have garnered over time from family and friends, relationships, personal and peoples experiences, and even movies. To get the best from your man, you have to let go of these notions and watch him to know the kind of man he is. This will enable you to see the areas where he conforms to your general knowledge about men and areas where he is unique without prejudice. Without this, your mind will be filled with stereotypes (usually negative) that will blind you from seeing him for who he is or pervert your understanding of him. This step is an important prerequisite to getting the best from him.

Know and Understand Him

The key word here is “observe”. This is not the time to tell him how you think he ought to act or to judge him; it’s time to observe/watch him closely to know him. This is not an overnight process; it takes time and requires different scenarios for you to observe him better. As you get to know him, you will then get to understand him too. Observe how he relates with God and the things of God, how he does his things, how he relates with people, how he expresses anger, how he handles disappointments, his core values, how he responds to authority etc. As you observe him, take a step further towards understanding him by asking him why he acts the way he does. This will teach you how to relate with him and if he is too much for you, it will also let you know if you need to end the relationship.

Adapt where Possible

After you’ve come to know and understand him via continuous observation, adapt your behavior to suit him where possible. Two cannot walk together except they be agreed (Amos 3:3). See areas where you can modify your conduct and habits to accommodate and suit him. For example, if he doesn’t like peppery food and you’re a pepper person, find a way around it. If he prefers you wearing more of gowns, see if you can accommodate this. Going the extra-mile by adapting is something he will definitely notice and appreciate you even more for. If you value the relationship, then this is a crucial step.

Learn to Overlook

Emphasis on the word “learn”. Overlooking someone’s faults and mistakes is a learned behaviour; it’s not a default behaviour so it doesn’t come naturally. It’s easier to make a fuss over every little matter than it is to overlook. Not everything is worth raising dust over. He will offend you many times over knowingly and unknowingly and so will you. Proverbs 19:11 says “It is to the glory of man to overlook an offence”; that tells you how valuable learning this skill is. For instance, most men will forget your birthday at least once in your lifetime not because they no longer value you but because they were caught up in something and were not conscious of the date. The natural impulse of a woman is to crucify him for it but this could be avoided if you just remind him. The most important thing is that deep down, he loves you. Learn to overlook such things.

Confront with Love

Confrontations are dicey to handle because if they’re not handled correctly, they could lead to quarrelling or even full blown fighting. But it is still possible to confront with love without getting things messy. Find the right moment when he’s calm and relaxed mentally, emotionally and physically to confront him. If you do it when he’s stressed out on any level, the internal stress may lead to him misinterpreting your statements and next you know, you have a fight on your hands. The tone and manner of expression you use also matters. Confrontation is not just about expressing yourself to him; it’s about getting him to understand you. Do a research on handling disagreements in relationships, anger management and speaking the truth in love to get better skills on how to confront with love.

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Influence

Influence is God’s gift to women; every woman has the power to influence her man and her world. Influence is a subtle form of leadership and it always gets the job gone better than giving orders (dictatorship). Men use more of dictatorship and it works for them but as a woman, if you try to use the same method on a man, it will bounce back on you. You will never get the best from your man if you give orders to him or use a harsh/condescending tone. When you do this, you switch yourself to mama mode and the last time he checked, you’re his lover/wife, not his mama. Influence via politeness (in voice tone and choice of words), sensitivity and wisdom. Do a research to understand more about influence and tap into this power.

Do your Job Always

 You are not in your man’s life as a trophy, monument, drainage system, or a demanding child who only knows how to take and take and take. You’re in his life to HELP him. Observe his life and use your intelligence to see where he needs and provide it. That’s why you’re in his life. The usefulness of a phone is that it does what it is wired to do. The moment the phone stops functioning, no matter how beautiful it is, it becomes useless and is ready to be discarded and replaced. You retain your usefulness in your man’s life when you keep functioning.

Leave the Rest to God

There are some aspects in that man that only God can handle. When you’ve done your best, commit the rest to God and ask for his intervention. Your prayers for your man truly do go a long way before God; they open the door for his intervention and guarantee victory eventually.

Go out there, use these tips and get the best out of that man. The best lies within him already; it’s only when you use a suitable tool to draw water from a well that you get the water you need.

Questions? Suggestions? Private comments? Facing a relationship dilemma and in need of counsel? I’m just an email away; email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

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It's this weekend and You're Invited

While You Wait… (Pt 1)

Source: shadowness.com

Today, I’ll love to say a very big thank you to all faithful readers of this blog. Your words, comments, likes, shares, and retweets on the blog, the facebook pages and twitter encourage me to keep up the good work. This post is dedicated to everyone who’s presently single…

Singleness is a gift; a time for preparation for whatever kind of future you desire. A lot of people waste this period agonizing over their singleness, wishing they were married, praying God to send them a spouse (which is not bad in itself) and dating everyone that comes their way (the good, the bad and the jaga-jaga), forgetting that they need to build and prepare themselves for the future. To reap a good marriage tomorrow, there are seeds you must sow now. The greatest investment you can make for your future is to INVEST IN YOURSELF. Failure to invest in your personal development is to become a thorn in your spouse’s flesh, a toxic parent and a toxic pollutant to what ought to be a blissful marriage. The blissful marriage you desire and seek is not just about finding the right person, it actually STARTS WITH YOU. Here are a few things you need to do while you wait that will not only make you a better person but sow seeds that will make you reap a blissful marriage.

#1 – Master Self Control

When we hear “self control”, the first thing that usually drops into our hearts is control over sexual desires and emotions but it actually goes beyond that. Self control is about having the ability and power to choose the right response in any situation instead of acting based on impulses and emotions (definition mine). Self control includes discipline in spending time and money (yes, both of them are currencies we need to learn to manage), speaking, eating (watching your weight) etc. In case you didn’t know, self control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit; it is not cultivated by will power (that’s why we keep making decision or resolutions without keeping them) but by the help of the Holy Spirit. So, go to God in prayers concerning everywhere you need self control and he will supply the grace you need.

#2 – Master Trust

Trust is a choice to trust someone, not just because they’re trust worthy but because you understand that it’s a necessary ingredient for the success and enjoyment of any relationship. Yes, they’re many possibilities of what could happen but the truth is that “Except the Lord watches, they labour in vein that watch” (Psalm 127:1). Learning to commit your fears and your spouse to God in prayers to preserve him from wrong influences/impulses and seductive traps, empower him to do the right thing and overcome temptations frees you to give trust and have peace of mind instead of becoming a police/detective unto your spouse. In other words, deal with your trust issues now. Read more about trust issues here and here.

#3 – Forgiveness

Love and forgiveness are two sides of a coin. If you still find it hard to forgive, if you still keep malice and go without talking to those who hurt you for days, if you still do tit-for-tat, you need to deal with it now otherwise it will affect your marriage in future cuz there will always be a need to forgive. Go to God in prayers, ask him to remove the unforgiving heart within you and give you the grace to always forgive just as he always forgives you.

#4 – Doing Things that Aren’t Convenient

Yea, we all prefer to do things that please us and do them when it suits us which is good in its own way but will turn around to sabotage your marriage in future. Love requires sacrifice and sacrifice is not usually convenient. Learning to do things that are not convenient and doing things when it’s not convenient will build your muscles for marriage which requires sacrifice and compromise to succeed.

Source: 1ms.net

#5 – How to Be Angry and Not Sin

Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your anger.” It’s okay to get angry; actually anger is a natural emotion that occurs in response to things that provoke us. But what you do or say in response to it can destroy things if not handled properly. Do everything it takes now to learn how to control your anger instead of letting it control you cuz it is controllable. There’s nothing being a “hot tempered” person will give you except a rocky bitter marriage. “Hot tempered” is actually another word for someone who is immature with regards to anger management.

#6 – How to Abide in Joy and Peace

It is your responsibility to abide in joy and peace. Expecting your spouse to become the source of your joy, happiness and peace is to set yourself up for disappointment. This is unfair because no human being alive has the ability to keep you in perpetual peace and joy; only God has that ability. Abiding in joy and peace means learning to remain joyful and peaceful in the face of things that provoke you to feel otherwise. Your life will eventually become more stressful in future so you need to learn this now.

#7 – Understand Yourself

Find out your temperament, the things that trigger a mood swing in you and provoke you to anger, your love language, your strengths and weaknesses. Understand the things you can and cannot tolerate as a person and in a relationship, understand your sex drive and hot buttons; understand who you are, where you’re going to and the kind of future you want for yourself.

# 8– Understand the Opposite Sex

Understanding the opposite sex, why they act the way they do and their unique behaviours, preferences as well as what makes them tick is also important. Some of this knowledge you can get from casual male friends, from asking your brothers or cousins the right questions and asking older people the right questions; the rest of this you can get from reading books and watching relevant video/audio clips. This understanding will help you and prevent you from getting confused at the “strange displays’ of your future spouse so you don’t begin to think he has a “demon’ or something.

To be continued….

There are still more tips left to go. The sequel to this post comes up on Friday. Do your single friends and siblings a favour by sharing this post with them. Keep a date with us.

P:S – Tomorrow, Twists and Turns, (an interesting episodic fiction story) commences. It will run regularly and be featured here every Tuesday. #anticipate

Got questions, suggestions or private comments? Wanna reach me? Facing a relationship dilemma and in need of counsel? I’m just an email away; email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

NowThat You’re Single Again…

Shout out to all those who just became single recently.  

Being in a relationship has its good and fun side. It also has its benefits: someone to laugh with, a shoulder to cry one, someone who loves and cares for you, the hangouts, the fun moments, the precious memories and all. What’s more, the Bible even says “two are better than one…” (Ecclesiastes 4:9). Truth be told, most of us would naturally pick being in a relationship than being single. 

So you’ve been in a relationship with this guy for a while (months or maybe even years) and things were going smoothly. But somehow, something happened and you’re back to square one: you’re now single. Whether or not the reason for the end of the relationship was caused by you, becoming single after being in a relationship for a while feels like losing the use of your legs due to an accident and having to re-learn how to walk again. No more calls/texts, no more hangouts, no more affection from the person etc. If you’re not careful, you could hook up with anyone who comes your way just to numb the emptiness you feel due to your present single status. But is this the solution?

Before we talk about the solution, let’s look at a few things you may be experiencing now that you’re single:

Mood Swings: Yea, yea! The more you think about the relationship, the good and bad times you had, the reasons for the break up or death of the relationship, your emotions enter a roller coaster and you start having mood swings. You find yourself happy at one moment and sad the next moment.

Anger and Bitterness: When you began that relationship, you had high hopes that it would last and now it’s broken. You may find yourself feeling angry and bitter over wasted time especially if you were not the cause of the break-up.

Fear: “Once beaten, twice shy” goes a popular English saying. Depending on the circumstances that led to your present single state, you may find yourself feeling afraid of having to go through the dating game and find a new person.

Tired of Relationships: Depending on the things you went through in the last relationship, you may find yourself completely tired and wanting nothing to do with having a relationship.

What’s the First Step?

Now that you’re single again, what’s the first step? ALLOW YOURSELF TO HEAL. Do not be in a haste to date anyone new. Have a good cry. Cry out your pain till you feel better. Research shows that crying does a lot of good by helping you release pent up emotions. Do a post-mortem on the relationship. Think through and see where and how things deteriorated before you eventually broke up. Find out where you got it wrong so when you eventually have another relationship, you may get it right. 

If you ask me, I’ll suggest you stay six months to one year before you plunge into another relationship. Why? So your heart can heal well enough. Otherwise, you’ll just carry baggage from the past and end up destroying the new relationship.

Hold on Girl! It Gets Easier as Each Day Passes

I know it doesn’t look like that now, but the truth is, time does heal wounds…but only when you take time to bind and treat those wounds. All the hurt and anger you feel towards the male folk will fade away with time. You’ll learn to love again, only if you give yourself time to heal. Take one day at a time. You’ll get stronger as the day passes.

Are you single because he died? May God comfort you. Asking God why he allowed him die will only make you more miserable than you should be. Take rest in Romans 8:28 “…all things (even things that hurt us and things we never expected) work together for good to them that love God…” Even though it doesn’t look like it now, all things are working together for your good.

P.S: Do you know anyone who just became single again? Share this post with them. They’ll be glad you did. xoxo

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