Taking the Ex Back: Yay or Nay?

The Ex-syndrome reminds us all that things don’t always turn out the way we hope, no matter how hard we try…Selah.

Finally, ghost mode is up and I’m out of the little hibernating mode I switched to; here comes the thought that ends up becoming the post you’re about to read…”when an ex returns, should we take them back”??? I smiled to myself when this thought came because if this were to be the subject of a debate, it would sure be an interesting one. Maybe we should have it as a debate here, or what do you think? Don’t mind me, I kinda love debates and hearing people’s views on matters like this so I can learn more, you know what I mean *wink*. No matter what anyone says, the truth is that you alone have to decide whether or not to take back an ex into your life again. I’m guessing you do know what an ex is; but just in case you don’t, an ex is someone you dated and, for whatever reason, broke up with.

Before you consider taking an ex back, you should consider three things:

•     Why did the ex leave in the first place or why did the relationship come to an end?

• ·        Why is the ex coming back?

• ·        Can I get over the past and start afresh with him?

Now let’s consider these questions one after the other?

Why Did the Ex Leave / Why Did the Relationship Come to an End?

The answer to this question is a veeeeerrrryyyyy important factor in choosing whether or not to take back an ex. Did the ex leave because…

• He didn’t like your physique or mannerisms?
• He didn’t like your dreams, goals, aspirations?
• You guys couldn’t understand each other or you were not compatible?
• You guys were young, immature and still trying to sow wild oats or “enjoy life”?

Did the relationship end because…

• One person moved to a different area and distance took its toll or you both lost contact?
• There was cheating and infidelity?
• He was verbally, emotionally or physically abusive?
• It was a relationship “just the fun of it” and someone got tired and moved on?
•  You wanted much more out of life, a “better guy”?
•  You guys changed sooo much with time that your compatibility ratio dropped?
• Your chosen paths in life clashed and it created discomfort because you no longer “fit” each other which eventually led to a break up?
• You got tired of being “sick and tired” and putting up with all his shenanigans?

Answer these questions as sincerely as possible to help you know the next line of action to take.

Why is the Ex Coming Back?

Remember he left in the first place? There must have been a reason for that, so now that he’s coming back again, what are his reasons?  Remember the relationship ended for a reason. Ask yourself these questions or better still, ask him these questions to find out why he’s back.

• Is he back because he’s been around and can’t find another girl like you?
• He’s realized that he was wrong to let you go?
• He’s a back because he’s now a changed man or a more mature man?

Listen carefully to whatever answers he gives to you. If he’s says he’s back because he realized he was wrong to let you go and can’t find another girl like you, be careful. As flattering as that sounds, that is not the main issue. You should be concerned about knowing if the other issues that led to the break up have been dealt with otherwise, you’ll just be that “mugu chick” (senseless chick), the only one on whom he can dump all his shenanigans and if that’s the case, get ready for the reloaded version of your first relationship.

Is he a changed man? Not just because he says he’s changed but because you can see a change in him. If he says he’s back because he’s now a changed or more mature man, watch out to see proof of this. Actions, they say, speak louder than words. What kind of man has he become? Remember a lot of water has passed under the bridge and both of you are not exactly the same people you were before.

Can I Get Over the Past and Start Afresh with Him?

Now this question is the most crucial part and you should only ask yourself this if you’ve answered the previous questions. Remember, you guys had a history together and despite the fact that you’ve forgiven him, you haven’t lost your memory. Most likely, you can still remember details of what happened in the past. The truth is: yesterday is different from today. If you intend you take him back, you must get help (counseling or otherwise) to dispose all the baggage from your first relationship and ensure you’re healed from the pain of the break up otherwise your new relationship with him will be doomed from the start. Failure to completely let go of the past will be like serving last year’s bread with this year’s tea and butter and hoping it turns out right; that’s a complete recipe for disaster. You should also ask yourself these questions:

• Are we now both mature enough for us to enjoy a better relationship?
•  Does he fit into my present life, who I am and where I am going?
• Can we accept each other’s lives, mannerisms and tendencies the way we are now?
• In case the old drama repeats itself, can I go through it all over again?

My advice: you should only take an ex back if he’s truly changed, not because he told you he’s changed or he’s making some camouflage changes just to get you again. If he’s truly become a more mature/better man now, you may consider taking him back. However, you must make sure you’ve dealt with the old baggage of whatever happened in your first relationship with him and put it all behind you. Otherwise, the ghosts of your first relationship with him will destroy this new relationship. Would I take an ex back? Hehehehe, that’s for me to decide. You decide what you would do. xoxo

What say you? Should we or should we not take back???

P:S- If you’ve got anything private you may wish to discuss, you could email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com I had a nice time at the Word WYN ladies conference, Gwagwalada, Abuja. Maybe I’ll get around to sharing some helpful excerpts here. Have an exciting weekend.

Is Love Enough to Keep a Relationship???

Things are not always what they seem; some things can only be learnt by experience.

I once had an argument with some folks on this matter and believe me; it was very eye-opening. If we decide to have this argument again-this time online-you’ll hear a lot of mind blowing thoughts that will be both interesting and hilarious. So my question to you this day is this: “is love enough to keep a relationship”? Mind you, I’m talking of love in the context of male-female dating relationships. I’m going to be asking a lot of questions today. Why? This post is more like an opinion poll of people’s thoughts and answers. I’ll give you my answer here. But I’ll need you to also give your answers to the questions in this post in the comments section. Be as honest as possible while answering and please, no foul language, name calling or bashing so we can all learn from one another.

Here’s what I think

Love! Love!! Love!!! Everyone loves to be loved and to be in love (me too *wink*). Love is one of the key ingredients in a relationship. Most times, we think along these lines: “as long as I love him and he loves me, that’s all that matters”.  Really? No-no, I mean seriously? On the surface, this appears true to some extent. But if you look closer, it will amaze you that love is actually not enough to keep a relationship. Just like preparing fried rice, for example, requires not only rice itself but other necessary ingredients, a relationship requires more than love to survive and thrive. Have you ever loved someone but despite that, the relationship just wasn’t working? I mean, you both felt strongly for each other but had to call it quits because of other “issues”? In case you haven’t, ask around and you’ll discover that these things happen. Don’t get me wrong; love is actually a key ingredient in any relationship but love alone isn’t enough to keep a relationship together.  So what other things are required to hold a relationship? You’ll need forgiveness, understanding of what it means to be in a relationship, wisdom to know how to act, maturity, sensitivity, compatibility, and many more. See my earlier posts Hallmarks of Maturity and 5 Things You Need To Understand About Relationships for more details.

Now, It’s Your Turn

As I said earlier, this post is more of an opinion poll. Let’s have your views on this matter; answer the questions below in the comments section.

1  1. Is love enough to hold a relationship together?

2   2.  Give reasons for your answer.

3   3.  If love is not enough, what other things do you need?

4  4.  Have you ever loved someone but the relationship crashed, despite the “love”?

5    5.  What did that experience teach you?

Your time starts now. Happy commenting! Lol

P.S: Thank God it’s Friday (finally, phew!). Have a sweet weekend. Tomorrow, I have a ladies conference to attend in Gwagwalada, Abuja (Nigeria) and I’ll also be speaking there. It’s gonna be awesome. Check out the flyer below.

Don’t leave this post without answering the questions, Okay! xoxo

5 Side Effects of Casual Sex You Don’t Know

The choices, decisions and steps we take affect us in more ways than we can imagine.

I’m pretty sure you know a lot of side effects of casual sex (whether protected or unprotected) but I guarantee you that what you’re about to read may not be what you think. Everything on thing on the earth has effects which could be positive or negative. The term “side effects” is usually used for things that have a positive effect alongside certain negative, uncomfortable or unpleasant effects. Aside from catching HIV/AIDS, STDs and the likes, unwanted pregnancies and so on, there are other side effects of casual sex which you may not be aware of and yours truly has taken it upon her to share them with you. Fasten your seatbelt as we take a trip through discovery land.

Side Effect #1 – Soul Tie

What is a soul tie? A brand of ties? A tie that the soul wears? Lol, capital NO. A soul tie is actually the bond created between two souls, usually created via sex (definition mine). Sex creates a bond that is different from other kinds of bond (e.g. the bond between friends, family etc)-a spiritual bond between two souls; a soul tie. This is great in marriage because it bonds spouses who are committed to each other together. But in any other scenario, it becomes a hazard because it keeps you bonded to past lovers you’ve long separated from such that it is easier to fall into the temptation to sleep with an ex-lover, even when the relationship has long ended. With each soul tie created, you lose a part of you to that sex partner and gain a part of the person. The more soul ties you create, the more you lose bits of yourself and gain bits of others until you get to that point where you wonder how you acquired all these habits/mannerisms that were not there at the beginning.

Side Effect #2 – An Increased Libido

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Yea bebe, this is another side effect of casual sex. No one is created a sex maniac from the beginning. We all start out as virgins with a little sexual appetite until the steps we take or the things we experience get us to the point where we become sex addicts. I’m talking about that point where you just can’t do without sex and if there’s no one to “relieve you”, you “help yourself” *wink*. With each sex partner you add to your life, your libido keeps increasing till it gets out of control.

Side Effect #3 – Lack of Self Control

This side effect is a product of side effect two. Little drops of water they say make an ocean. With each casual sex experience (or should I say experiment), one vital thing lost in the process is self-control and a whole lot of it for that matter.  And like I said before, you also gain something: an increased libido.

Side Effect #4 – Disregard for the Opposite Sex

Ahn, aside from all the heart break and stuff people do which cause us to disregard the opposite sex, casual sex also has the same effect. You lose respect for the opposite sex and begin to say things like “they’re all the same” and the likes. You also develop an “everybody is doing it” mindset toward sex and the opposite sex in general.

Side Effect #5 – Inability to Trust

Obviously, this side effect is a product of side effect four. As you begin to lose respect for the opposite sex, you also lose the ability to trust because it is now engrained in your mind that “they’re all the same and cannot be trusted”. So, you find it difficult to trust eventually especially when you enter into a serious relationship.

Turn the Lights Up!

Hehehehe! I do believe with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince and not confuse you that… Don’t mind me jor. I hope that a light bulb has been switched on in your head because of this post. If you’re presently a victim of any or all of these side effects, don’t feel bad; there’s hope for you. Just like there is a remedy for the itchiness that is the side effect of the old malaria drug “chloroquine”, there is a remedy for these side effects. With the help of God and his grace, you can overcome all these and have these side effects reversed. He’s done it for many before; he can do it again for you if you’ll only reach out for his help. Xoxo

Keep your eyes glued to our twitter handle @sister2sisterni and our facebook page: Sister 2 Sister Nigeria for more.

Hallmarks of Maturity: Are you mature???

Your originality is your uniqueness; your uniqueness is your swag. Stay Original.

By now, I’m sure you’ve lived long enough to know that maturity is not a product of age alone. Maturity stems from your exposure, knowledge, understanding, experiences (both the ones that happened to you and those that happened to others) and your ability to put away childishness and allow these things influence you positively. I’m a huge fan of this verse (1 Cor 13:11) that says “When I was a child, I spoke as a child (and acted as one), understood as a child and thought as a child; but when I became a man (in other words, when I became mature), I put away childish things (emphasis + words in bracket mine). Why? It shows me that maturity involves putting away childish ways (thoughts, words, understanding and acts). This means that when we become mature, if we don’t put away childish ways, they will still cling to us. In the youth ministry I belong to (Word WYN), this is our year of maturity; so for a while now, this word has been ringing in my heart.

Maturity is on so many levels: physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, marital and financial. Physical maturity is the most visible kind of maturity and it is the only kind of maturity that happens without our effort; except for the fact that what we eat affects this rate of maturity. The other kinds of maturity all require personal consistent effort to be achieved. They are a product of what we read, see, hear, and experience, how much we allow these things to influence us and how much of our childish (unproductive) ways we choose to give up. In subsequent posts, I’ll be dealing with maturity on each of these levels. But today, let’s take a look at a few hallmarks of maturity; I mean the ones that show your maturity at first glance.  

Sensitivity

Sensitivity is the ability to understand moods and non-verbal communication per time, the ability to know how best to respond to these and act accordingly. We need sensitivity everywhere: in our dealings with people, in our relationships, in making the right decisions and handling disagreements/delicate matters. Sensitivity is a very important key factor to a successful marriage. Sensitivity helps us know when to speak, when to keep silent, when to make a request or give a suggestion. A lot of times, when people speak, there are unspoken messages implied in their tone and even in their silence. In our dealings with God, sensitivity is also required to understand his will and counsel per time and discern matters accurately. Your level of sensitivity shows how mature you are.

Your Knowledge of What to Disclose

No matter your occupation or position in life, your knowledge of what to disclose and what to keep as a secret shows how mature you are. It’s not everything you tell everyone. Even without being told “don’t tell anyone”, maturity and discretion helps you know which issues should be kept secret and from whom. Haba now, there are some things you shouldn’t disclose to the public on facebook, twitter and the likes, even if you’re a celebrity. Even when you’re being interviewed, it’s not every question asked that you should give an answer to. Or haven’t you heard people being interviewed who were asked questions about their private life and they gave answers like “I don’t want to discuss that” or “my private life is not for public consumption”? What about those delicate matters people confide in you on that you disclose blatantly without a moment’s thought?  That’s childishness. Discretion tells you that certain information should be kept private.

How You Handle Anger, Criticism, Scolding and Disagreements

No one likes having to handle and endure anger, criticism, scolding and disagreements, but these are all part of life and we must all learn to deal with them. Inability to handle each of these properly leads to messy situations we would rather avoid. Childish responses to these include: anger (or even rage), self-justification and name-calling, yelling or maybe throwing punches and malice-keeping. Maturity is the ability to feel all these impulses/emotions in these unpleasant settings, resist being controlled by them and do the right thing. Is this easy? Of course not. It’s much easier to cuss their generations out, damn all of them and give it to them fire for fire or even beat the hell out of them. But think about it, if you saw a child trying to act in this same way, wouldn’t you rebuke him/her? Ohooo! Handling all these is actually not so easy but it is possible.

Your Ability to Keep Your Word and Manage Your Finances (Trustworthiness) 

How trustworthy are you? Can your words be trusted? Can you be trusted with money (your money and the money of others)? Boasting and bragging are hallmarks of childishness that need to be put away. Maturity includes saying what you mean and meaning what you say. The natural impulse of children is to spend money (usually on things that satisfy for the moment) on frivolous stuff, as long it is what they desire. As we grow older, we still feel these impulses, but maturity enables us realize that there are priorities and we should pick these over frivolous stuff.  Search yourself today, can you be trusted financially? Can your words be trusted?

Self-Control

This is a very deep one. Self-control is one of the greatest hallmarks of maturity (or should I say the highest) because it encompasses all the other hallmarks earlier mentioned. Self-control is simply your ability to control yourself (your thoughts, words, feelings, emotions, impulses, lust/desires, spending habits etc). He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty and he who rules his spirit is better than he who captures a city (provs 16:32). He who cannot rule over his own spirit (he who lacks self-control) is like a city that is broken down without walls (provs 25:28). Self-control is built gradually over time in diverse areas of our lives. One who lacks self-control has handed the remote control of his life to the things that are able and willing to destroy him/her.

The Road to Maturity

Maturity is actually a journey, not a destination. It’s a process that goes on daily as we trade our childish habits and tendencies for mature ones. It’s not an easy process. But grace on our side to help us, it is possible. What areas of your life currently show maturity? What areas do you need help with? If you’re willing to give up those childish harmful ways, the grace of God is able to help you walk in maturity in all dimensions. What do you stand to gain from all these? A lot, my dear; your maturity affects those around you in more ways than you can imagine. Or have you forgotten “garbage in, garbage out” (or should I say maturity in, maturity out) and “what a man sows, he shall reap”???

Have a smashing weekend.

P.S: At 3:00pm G.M.T (4:00pm Nigerian time) tomorrow, 11th May, 2014, we’ll be commencing an online debate on “maturity” and “dumb moves ladies/guys make”.  

Catch us on our twitter handle @sister2sisterni and our facebook page: Sister 2 Sister Nigeria to participate. It’s going to be hot and insightful.