Taking the Ex Back: Yay or Nay?

The Ex-syndrome reminds us all that things don’t always turn out the way we hope, no matter how hard we try…Selah.

Finally, ghost mode is up and I’m out of the little hibernating mode I switched to; here comes the thought that ends up becoming the post you’re about to read…”when an ex returns, should we take them back”??? I smiled to myself when this thought came because if this were to be the subject of a debate, it would sure be an interesting one. Maybe we should have it as a debate here, or what do you think? Don’t mind me, I kinda love debates and hearing people’s views on matters like this so I can learn more, you know what I mean *wink*. No matter what anyone says, the truth is that you alone have to decide whether or not to take back an ex into your life again. I’m guessing you do know what an ex is; but just in case you don’t, an ex is someone you dated and, for whatever reason, broke up with.

Before you consider taking an ex back, you should consider three things:

•     Why did the ex leave in the first place or why did the relationship come to an end?

• ·        Why is the ex coming back?

• ·        Can I get over the past and start afresh with him?

Now let’s consider these questions one after the other?

Why Did the Ex Leave / Why Did the Relationship Come to an End?

The answer to this question is a veeeeerrrryyyyy important factor in choosing whether or not to take back an ex. Did the ex leave because…

• He didn’t like your physique or mannerisms?
• He didn’t like your dreams, goals, aspirations?
• You guys couldn’t understand each other or you were not compatible?
• You guys were young, immature and still trying to sow wild oats or “enjoy life”?

Did the relationship end because…

• One person moved to a different area and distance took its toll or you both lost contact?
• There was cheating and infidelity?
• He was verbally, emotionally or physically abusive?
• It was a relationship “just the fun of it” and someone got tired and moved on?
•  You wanted much more out of life, a “better guy”?
•  You guys changed sooo much with time that your compatibility ratio dropped?
• Your chosen paths in life clashed and it created discomfort because you no longer “fit” each other which eventually led to a break up?
• You got tired of being “sick and tired” and putting up with all his shenanigans?

Answer these questions as sincerely as possible to help you know the next line of action to take.

Why is the Ex Coming Back?

Remember he left in the first place? There must have been a reason for that, so now that he’s coming back again, what are his reasons?  Remember the relationship ended for a reason. Ask yourself these questions or better still, ask him these questions to find out why he’s back.

• Is he back because he’s been around and can’t find another girl like you?
• He’s realized that he was wrong to let you go?
• He’s a back because he’s now a changed man or a more mature man?

Listen carefully to whatever answers he gives to you. If he’s says he’s back because he realized he was wrong to let you go and can’t find another girl like you, be careful. As flattering as that sounds, that is not the main issue. You should be concerned about knowing if the other issues that led to the break up have been dealt with otherwise, you’ll just be that “mugu chick” (senseless chick), the only one on whom he can dump all his shenanigans and if that’s the case, get ready for the reloaded version of your first relationship.

Is he a changed man? Not just because he says he’s changed but because you can see a change in him. If he says he’s back because he’s now a changed or more mature man, watch out to see proof of this. Actions, they say, speak louder than words. What kind of man has he become? Remember a lot of water has passed under the bridge and both of you are not exactly the same people you were before.

Can I Get Over the Past and Start Afresh with Him?

Now this question is the most crucial part and you should only ask yourself this if you’ve answered the previous questions. Remember, you guys had a history together and despite the fact that you’ve forgiven him, you haven’t lost your memory. Most likely, you can still remember details of what happened in the past. The truth is: yesterday is different from today. If you intend you take him back, you must get help (counseling or otherwise) to dispose all the baggage from your first relationship and ensure you’re healed from the pain of the break up otherwise your new relationship with him will be doomed from the start. Failure to completely let go of the past will be like serving last year’s bread with this year’s tea and butter and hoping it turns out right; that’s a complete recipe for disaster. You should also ask yourself these questions:

• Are we now both mature enough for us to enjoy a better relationship?
•  Does he fit into my present life, who I am and where I am going?
• Can we accept each other’s lives, mannerisms and tendencies the way we are now?
• In case the old drama repeats itself, can I go through it all over again?

My advice: you should only take an ex back if he’s truly changed, not because he told you he’s changed or he’s making some camouflage changes just to get you again. If he’s truly become a more mature/better man now, you may consider taking him back. However, you must make sure you’ve dealt with the old baggage of whatever happened in your first relationship with him and put it all behind you. Otherwise, the ghosts of your first relationship with him will destroy this new relationship. Would I take an ex back? Hehehehe, that’s for me to decide. You decide what you would do. xoxo

What say you? Should we or should we not take back???

P:S- If you’ve got anything private you may wish to discuss, you could email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com I had a nice time at the Word WYN ladies conference, Gwagwalada, Abuja. Maybe I’ll get around to sharing some helpful excerpts here. Have an exciting weekend.

6 People You Should Keep at Arms-Length this Season

Yes o! Evil company corrupts good manners (1 Corinthians 15:33). I don’t know about you o. But as for me, I have a destiny to fulfill and a dream/vision to chase till it becomes a reality. The company you keep determines to a very large extent how far you will go/rise to in life. It’s time for you to examine and re-evaluate the people who are around your life to see which ones will remain and which ones you will have to distance yourself from.

To make it easier for you, I made a list of 6 people you should keep far from your life this season. In case you’re wondering what season we’re in, this is the season of fulfilling destiny/purpose. Now to the list…

1) The Discourager

Aha! A discourager is anybody who never encourages you each time you mention your dream/plans. He or she always criticizes your dreams and tells you to “face reality” because “that will never happen” or tells you to move on to more serious things. In fact, the more you hang out with such a person, the more you begin to doubt your dreams and abilities.

2) The Time Waster

Aka Jaiye-Jaiye Prefect. This kind of person is usually a fun person. He or she adds spice to your life bringing fun, laughter and creating wonderful memories. However, when you have serious tasks lined up and a target to achieve or you need quiet time to think things through, such a person usually becomes a time-waster coming up with all sorts of time-wasting activities. What’s more, if you refuse to go with them, they take offense and blackmail you with “Eeeeeh. If it was me, I would have done this for you” until you give in.

3) The Vagabond

This kind of person has no sense of direction presently, hasn’t discovered the purpose for his life, is not chasing any dream and just does whatever he/she can lay his hands on. Each time he/she sees you doing something related to your dream, they sound like this “You and this your ……… sef. Na everyday you dey do this thing. Abeg no kill your sef o. Rest small now”. The fact that you’re focused is a threat to them because it reminds them that they have no sense of direction.

4) The Idea-Thief

Or should I say stealer..lol. This is that person in your life who “copies” every idea you come up with. He/she has copied many of your little concepts and ideas in the past. Now that you’re ready to move higher, expect more copying and idea-stealing on a higher and more painful level.

5) Non-Supportive Boyfriend

With all the hostility around us as we chase our dreams and fulfill destiny, who needs a non-supportive boyfriend who adds salt to injury? We need the people closest to us and the people who mean the most to us to support our dreams. Having a boyfriend who’s also an “enemy” of your dreams or destiny is heart breaking. Despite all your pleas for his support, if he has chosen to be a non-supportive boyfriend, you should have a re-think on his status as your boyfriend.

6) Tale-Bearers 

Aha! I’m talking about all those people who always bring stories of “he said, she said” to you. They always seem to hear when people talk about you and have commissioned themselves as tale-bearers to faithfully bring such info to you. What’s more, they know how to amplify the story and spice it up till you’re all worked up with rage and ready to declare war. You don’t need all that info. You have a race to run and a destiny to fulfill. Preserve your ears and energy for better things.

Why Do I Need To Keep Them at Arms-Length

What?!! Didn’t you know already? It’s because they are not helpful but toxic to your purpose, dreams and destiny. The more you hang around them, the more your strength and zest for life and destiny is depleted. Hebrews 12:1 says “...let us lay aside every weight and the sin which so easily besets us and run with patience the race set before us”. All these people are currently weights in your life that make running on the tracks of destiny more difficult than it should be. Now I’m not asking you to start keeping malice with them but you need to put some distance between you and them if you must make progress. Find a way to control and minimize your contact with them. If can’t do that, protect your dreams from them. Stop telling them stuff related to your dreams since you know they always discourage you or try to steal your ideas. And when they bring all those dem-say dem-say gist or time-wasting gimmicks, tell them you no longer have time for that.  

What about those you need to surround yourself with if you must achieve your dreams and fulfill destiny, we’ll talk about that some other time. Till then, xoxo.

P.S: Stinginess is when you read this and refuse to share it with those you know. Foolishness is when you read it and don’t apply it to your life. Wickedness is when you don’t tell someone how much you’ve been blessed so far by this blog. And I know you’re not stingy, foolish or wicked. xoxo

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