HANDLING A TOXIC PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP Pt 2

What to do when you find yourself in a toxic permanent relationship... 


This post is a sequel to previous post I did yesterday which bears the same title (click here to read). Today, I'll be dealing with practical ways to handle a toxic permanent relationship (e.g marriage or family relationship). Here we go!

IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT
If people knew better, they would act better. If your spouse or family member knew better, they won't be the source/cause of the toxicity you're experiencing in your marriage / relationship. We're products of the environments we've been raised in and experiences we've encountered. All some people know is how to be toxic simply because that is all they've been through. It's not that they don't love - It's just that they don't know how to relate with you in a healthy way. It's also not your fault that somehow, they've become a permanent part of your life. Besides, hurting people hurt others, especially when they've been hurt all their lives.

MAKE POSITIVE CONFESSIONS A HABIT
Toxic relationships usually involve a lot of abuse (physical, emotional and mental), a lot of name calling, cutting remarks, belittling etc. Hearing such words constantly can be quite depressing and energy zapping. That's why you need to develop the habit of making positive confessions in your private time over your life and future. This will undo the effects of their nasty words and refocus your heart on something positive. When you keep quiet, these wicked words and nasty treatment will begin to erode you like acid. When you speak positive words, they undo the effects of these words and they also shape your future. How much more when the positive words you speak are based on the word of God!


PRAY
When I say pray, I don't only mean that you should pray for God to change them. Yes, the Lord is able to turn people's hearts (see proverbs 21:1). While you pray and wait for God to transform your toxic partner or family member, you also need to pray that God will give you the grace to go through the relationship without being destroyed. Ask for the grace to forgive them over and over again. Ask God to heal both of you and heal your relationship. Ask him for the grace to stay productive, positive and fruitful even in such a toxic environment. Your situation will turn out for good in Jesus name.

GIVE IT TIME TO CHANGE
Yes, God is able to do instant miracles and he still does them. In most cases, when it comes to the pulling down of strongholds of the mind such as mindsets, habits and behaviour patterns, it is usually available gradual process that requires a lot of patience from you. Some days there will be progress, other days there will be relapses, but eventually, you will come out strong.

DO SOMETHING GOOD THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
Find something that makes you happy to keep you busy. Whether it's for money or for free, get busy doing something that blesses others and makes you happy. The joy you get from doing it will refill your emotional cup and restore your self-worth; something that is sadly lacking in your relationship. As you water others despite how you feel, God will water your life where it matters the most (see proverbs 11:25).

MAINTAIN A POSITIVE ATTITUDE
As difficult as this sounds, God can give you the grace to maintain a positive attitude. Despite the constant flow of provocations, you can't afford to develop a nasty attitude. Your positive attitude and behaviour in the face of toxic provocations is one of the tools God will use to turn things around.

CHECK TO SEE IF YOU'RE NOT PART OF IT
Before you put all the blame on someone else, truthfully psychoanalyse things to see if you have a hand in the toxicity in your relationship and adjust.

GOD'S GRACE IS AVAILABLE
All these things are only possible with God's grace. But it starts with your decision to fight the good fight faith by believing God for a change in your relationship. Experience has shown that when one partner in a toxic relationship prays for God's intervention, he usually begins the process of change in you and eventually works it out through you. Do your part and God will do his. I'll be praying for you.

P. S - If you can watch these two films FIREPROOF and NOT EASILY BROKEN, please do. You will learn a lot from it.

Read related posts
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

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HANDLING A TOXIC PERMANENT RELATIONSHIP Pt 1

Dedicated to those who find themselves in a toxic relationship they can't get out of... 


All through this week, we've been taking a look at toxic relationships and today, I'll like to take it to a whole new level. But first of all, I'll like to clarify what the topic of the day means. When I say 'toxic permanent relationship', I'm referring to permanent relationships in your life such as a biological relationship (family) or a covenant relationship (marriage) that have become toxic and poisonous to your overall well being. It's easier to handle a toxic relationship when you're single and dating (a temporary relationship). In such a case, if you've tried to sort out the issue with your partner and things are still not working, the next step is to call off the relationship (a broken courtship, they say, is better than a broken marriage) . However, when it's a permanent relationship, it's an entirely different ball game. You don't have the luxury of calling of the relationship and due to this, finding a solution takes a different route.


If you're currently in a toxic marriage, or a toxic family relationship, the first thing I'll like you to know is that you're not in a hopeless situation. God is able to heal your marriage and family and restore it. It doesn't matter how long your marriage or family relationship has been toxic, he is able to turn things around. Maybe you've prayed and prayed about it, and instead of things changing, the toxicity actually increased; maybe the situation currently looks sooo hopeless and you've said to yourself 'things will never change'. But I've come to let you know that it's not yet time to give up. God is able to turn your situation around in Jesus name.


FIRST THINGS FIRST
Proverbs 13:12 says hope deferred makes the heart sick...
Truly, enduring a toxic relationship erodes many things from us (see EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP). And when it's a permanent relationship and the situation has been so for a while, we lose the one thing that keeps us going in trying times - HOPE. And without hope, you will not make it through the tunnel you're in to the miracle at the end of the tunnel. So before I show you how to manage the situation and secure God's help, I need you to get your hopes back up. Here are a few scriptures I need you to think about deeply and take them as they are without doubting. Take them as God's word concerning your situation; take them as God speaking to you directly.

1. Matthew 19:26 - But Jesus beheld them (insert your name here) , and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
2. Mark 9:23 - Jesus said unto him (insert your name here), If you can believe, all things are possible to him that believes.
3.John 11:23 Jesus said unto her, your brother (your marriage or family relationship, though currently toxic) shall rise again (shall be restored to perfect condition).
4. John11:25 Jesus said unto her (insert your name), I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believes in me, though he were dead (though his situation is terrible and hopeless and seemingly unchangeable), yet shall he live (he shall have the opposite).

Let these scriptures stir up hope in you and cause faith to rise up in you. For 450 yrs, Israel cried out for a change in their situation of slavery in Egypt without a change. However, a day came and God turned things around. You may have been in that toxic marital or family relationship for longer than you can remember but God is about to shock you this time. Healing is on the way for your situation in Jesus name. Rejoice!!!

You're not unfortunate or unlucky for being in that toxic marriage or family relationship. God has a way out. Just as God turned around Mary and Martha's hopeless situation, he will turn yours around. Read John 11 verse 1-45 to understand what they went through and spark up your hope. Tomorrow, I will share with you practical hr y ways to handle a toxic permanent relationship and secure your miracle. You don't have to leave your marriage or get divorced. You don't have to run away from the toxic situation in your family. God can turn the tables around in your favour. Xoxo



Keep a date with us tomorrow for tips on how to handle a toxic permanent relationship.

Are you in a toxic relationship? Do you have any relationship questions? I'm only an email away. Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

Read related posts
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

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EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Yesterday, I talked about how to know a toxic relationship via its signs. Today, I'll be talking about the effects a toxic relationship has on you when you stay in it. Happy reading.

#1 - IT STEALS YOUR CONFIDENCE
The first thing a toxic relationship strikes at is your confidence. Through physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse, it erodes your confidence over time making you feel inadequate in one way or the other. Love is kind. Anyone who treats you nastily in the name of love does not truly love you. They may claim they do, but the truth is that people with dysfunctional behaviour cannot love you properly. Bishop Noel Jones once said that a lover cannot love you beyond his capacity to love. A violent man may love you, but will beat you to a pulp because that is his lifestyle. A womaniser will love you and cheat on you because womanising is his culture. Worse still, both of them will blame you for being the cause of their actions. He/she who falls in love with a scorpion or cobra should not complain when it stings/bites him/her.

#2 - IT STEALS YOUR ABILITY TO TRUST AND LOVE
Staying in a toxic relationship eventually destroys your ability to love and to trust. It brings you to the point where you can't trust anyone anymore and you give up on love to settle for flings, single parenthood or adopting a child. When you catch your self saying men/women are all the same, cannot be trusted or are wicked, it is because you've been in a toxic relationship directly or you've watched someone close to you suffer from a toxic relationship. And that's where the devil would like to keep you so you'll miss out on the beautiful future/marriage God has in store for you.

#3 - IT CORRUPTS YOUR MINDSET ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX
It's amazing how one or two toxic relationships can make you label the opposite sex negatively. Even though you've not dated or met all the men on the earth, a toxic relationship will make you say things like all men are liars and cheats etc. That is because a toxic relationship poisons your perspective about the opposite sex with time; even though in reality, all men are not the same.

#4 - IT CORRUPTS YOUR VIEW ABOUT MARRIAGE
The reason many people today are scared of marriage is toxic relationships. They've either been in one or watched a loved one suffer from one. So you hear people say things like 'marriage is a necessary evil', 'marriage is bondage/prison' and 'I'd rather remain single'. When you see a single person who intentionally chooses to remain single, it's usually because they've been badly poisoned/wounded by a toxic relationship.

#5 - IT STEALS YOUR ABILITY TO BE TENDER AND LEAVES YOU WITH HARSHNESS
Continually enduring the toxic behaviour in a toxic relationship completely erodes your ability to be tender and kind and replaces it with harshness in words and behaviour. So even when you enter a new relationship, your new love unfortunately can't get the best of you anymore. All that is left is a shadow of you filled with harshness. It takes God alone to undo the effects of a toxic relationship.

#6 - IT ALTERS YOUR SEXUALITY
A toxic relationship which involves sex tampers with your sexuality. It's either it leaves you frigid (unable to desire or enjoy sex) or it makes you a masochist who can't enjoy sex until it involves pain or violence. It may also make you a sex addict due to eroded self control because you now equate love with sex such that until a relationship involves sex, you can't believe that he/she loves you.

TAKE ACTION NOW
Poison is poison. Enduring a toxic relationship hoping that it will get better is surrendering your life to be an epitome of all these effects. When a drug's adverse effects outweighs its positive effects, the Doctor usually advises you to discontinue its use and recommends one with little or no side effects. The same thing applies to a toxic relationship. A toxic relationship is not out rightly bad; there are a few positive things about it. However, its negative effects are more which makes it dangerous and unsuitable. The first step is to call of the relationship. The second step is to get help and allow God heal you, undo these effects and restore you. You don't have to end up alone and loveless. You can learn to love again and enjoy a healthy relationship. Better things await you in future. The only way to get off the road of destruction and get the future you desire is to retrace your steps and chart a new course. Xoxo

Do you need help with breaking out from a toxic relationship? Do you need healing and restoration from the effects of a toxic relationship? I'll be glad to help. Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

P. S. To know more about toxic relationships, click here, here, here, and here.

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SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

The word 'toxic' means anything that's acts like poison or has the effect of a poison. Poison doesn't kill instantly; it takes time before it starts taking effect. However, some poisons are slower than others. There are relationships that are poisonous to your life and destiny. Such relationships gradually eat you up in diverse areas of your life until they succeed in snuffing life out from you. Today, I'll like to open your eyes to this by showing you signs of a toxic relationship.

1.ABUSE AND BATTERY
Abuse does not only refer to physical abuse or battery, it also includes emotional, mental or sexual abuse. Whether you're single or married, continued abuse and battery is toxic to your well being because it erodes your peace, your joy, your sanity, your confidence, your ability to function optimally and stay productive. What's worse, the longer you stay in it the more it destroys you.

2. IT TAMPERS WITH YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS
When you're in a relationship with someone, and you begin to spend less time with God than you used to or your relationship with your family/ friends starts becoming cold, such a relationship (for single people) has become toxic. The right relationship will not reduce your love for God or zeal for his kingdom. It will also not stifle your relationship with your family or friends. It will instead enhance both.


3.SACRIFICING YOUR LIFE'S PURSUIT
Hello!!! There's more to life than dating o. There is a purpose for your life. A toxic relationship puts you in situations that make you sacrifice meaningful, purposeful life pursuits just to keep that relationship. When you're dating someone who clearly has a problem with your life pursuit (purpose/calling), it puts you in a fix where you have to choose between giving up your calling/purpose or lose the relationship. If you ever find yourself in that position, don't think twice before you pull the plug. The person you're dating is trying to become an Idol in your life by resisting God's purpose for your life, when he/she is supposed to be a helper. The last time I checked, God still hates it when we have idols (an Idol is anything or anyone who tries to control you to act in ways contrary to God's word, his ways or purpose). Sacrificing your life's pursuit may bring temporary peace in that relationship, but you will end up full of regrets here on earth and in the world to come.

4. THE RELATIONSHIP SEEKS TO CHANGE YOU TOTALLY
Before I say anything, let me clarify that in a relationship, there is room for helping each other become better people. However, when a relationship seeks to change you into what God did not ordain you to be, it is equal to witchcraft (manipulation). For instance, when the person you're dating keeps complaining that you're too noisy or too friendly and wants you to become as quiet as a graveyard (which is contrary to how God designed you), you're in a toxic relationship. The right person for you will love that aspect of you because he/she has grace for you. The wrong person will keep trying to amend/change everything about you.

5. YOU LOSE YOUR PASSION AND CONFIDENCE OVER TIME
Two things a toxic relationship erode over time are PASSION and CONFIDENCE. Check that relationship; has it drained your passion and confidence or have your passion and confidence increased because of the relationship? Whatever be your answer will let you know if you're in a toxic relationship or not.

SO WHAT NOW?
The essence of this post is to open your eyes to what a toxic (poisonous) relationship looks like. The opposite of a toxic relationship is a healthy relationship. No one eats poison and expects not to be poisoned. The end result of a toxic relationship is quite disastrous. A toxic relationship is not God's will for you. You lose a lot when you remain in such relationships. The best solution to a toxic relationship is to end it (just like the best solution to a drug with adverse reactions is to discontinue it's use). Receive strength and grace to walk out of that toxic relationship in Jesus name.


P.S. Keep a date with us tomorrow for the sequel to this post EFFECTS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.

Are you in a Toxic Relationship? Do you need to talk about It? Or do you desire counsel for one reason or the other? Email me on graceyokoye@yahoo.com

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